


Roll For Investigation

by BoydTheReaver, Leliel12



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Forgotten Realms, Persona 4, Persona Series
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Protagonist Name, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Tabletop Gaming, Cute, Dojima's a closet geek, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Funny, Humor, Minoru Sakamoto, Original Title: Backside of the DM Screen, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2018-12-10 21:32:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11700288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoydTheReaver/pseuds/BoydTheReaver, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leliel12/pseuds/Leliel12
Summary: Minoru Sakamoto learns of Dojima's secret passion for Dungeons and Dragons, and convinces him to host a game for him and his friends. Needless to say, things spiral out of controlveryquickly.





	1. The Call of Adventure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, good news and bad news.
> 
> Bad news is, Drunkards and Dragons has been killed.
> 
> Good news is, this is its reincarnation. Enjoy!

With the beginning of April, Ryotaro Dojima began to realize just how much he missed his nephew, Minoru Sakamoto. The kid was one of the sweetest people the detective had the honor to meet, and the way he helped him with his familial issues was something he wouldn't forget anytime soon, especially not with how Dojima became a better parent as a result. It honestly filled him with a bittersweet feelings to see the son he never had depart back in March. Dojima sniffed quietly at this thought.

But it wasn't  _all_ bad. For starters, the rest of Minoru's friends and  _especially_ his girlfriend - Ayane Matsunaga - were definitely going to miss him as he departed for his home city, which was only a few miles from here. But the thirty-minute time between Okina and Yasoinaba proved to be a major blessing in hindsight; it would mean that he was only thirty minutes from returning to the town that had such a profound impact on the now-17 teenager, to the point he actually spent _more time_ in Yasoinaba than his home city. Dojima was happy to know he wasn't ever going to shed his ties to this town; Ayane, his friends and his family... they all meant too much to him for him to just leave permanently, and the slightly selfish part of Dojima was happy he got to spend almost just as much time drinking coffee with his nephew as back then.

Granted, times like _these_ made Dojima wish he was back home. If one were to divide Ryotaro Dojima's life into historical epochs, the catastrophe that marked the next age of his existence began with a single, innocent inquiry.

"Dad, do you think you could play Dungeons and Dragons with him?"

Dojima's coffee left his mouth in record speed, giving the sushi he was eating an interesting flavor. As he ate dinner with Minoru and Nanako, the middle-aged detective spun his head to his eight-year-old daughter, also seeing Minoru's evident confusion all the while.   _"I'm sorry?!"_

"I mean, um... I had fun playing with you!" Nanako continued with a smile, completely oblivious to the sudden look of confusion on her Big Bro's face. "It would be so much fun if we could play with Big Bro! And I'm not scared of slugs anymore!"

"Um, what?" Minoru Sakamoto looked back and forth between his uncle and his daughter. "Slugs?"

Dojima quickly attempted to salvage the situation. "Er... yes, I suppose that was a... rather intimidating game you introduced me to!"

As his silver-haired nephew looked increasingly unconvinced, Dojima sweated a bit. "Though, um, I can't possibly see how you expected me, a police officer _completely unfamiliar_ with-"

"Uncle, you don't even have a console," Minoru said, flatly. 

"Er, the  _online game-_ "

"Dad, why are you lying?" Nanako said, looking accusatory, puffing her cheeks adorably as she placed her hands on her hips. "Tell Big Bro the truth!"

 _Damn your kind soul, Nanako. You're almost_ too _much like Chisato._ As Dojima cursed his daughter in his head, the police officer turned a bright shade of red, looking away nervously. This prompted even more curiosity from Minoru.

"Uncle, I can't recall the last time you've been so embarrased," Minoru began, smiling gently. "What's wrong? I'm willing to bet that it's nothing to be embarrassed about."

Dojima paused for a long moment, before sighing in defeat, his cheeks still a light shade of red. "Er... um... because it's embarrassing. Tabletop games are not exactly what one expects of a detective."

"Huh? What do you mean by that, Dad?" Nanako rose an eyebrow, her face plastered with innocent confusion. "But a cop fights crime, and bad guys - why wouldn't they fight monsters?"

Dojima paused for a moment at his daughter's wisdom, and pondered this for a bit.

* * *

_Muhahahaa! Behold, you thought I was your loser partner Adachi, but in fact I am the legendary daemon harbinger Tohruz! Behold the souls I have merged with the antennae of a thousand televisions to make Beelzeboob, the Media Golem! I shall finally have my revenge on those heartless bitches who made me suffer in my mortal life, as I replace all channels with reality television! Soon everyone will be as shallow and misanthropic as I am!_

_You bastard! But no matter-I may not be an immortal incarnation of the very concept of immaturity, but my wife's soul has gifted me with these Sacred Revolvers of Enforcement! Die! And stay dead!_

* * *

Dojima silently noted to himself to lobotomize the part of his brain responsible for that image.

"...actually yeah, it is kind of dumb when you put it like that." Dojima was still grimacing from the cringe-worthy image, much to both minors' confusion. "But yeah, I play Dungeons and Dragons."

"Wait a minute. You play  _Dungeons and Dragons?_ " Minoru asked in wide-eyed surprised, his grey eyes hinting at comprehension dawning on him. "Like, you actually play it?!"

"Um... yes, basically." Dojima admitted, still blushing. "I... kind of picked the First Edition up back in the nineties. I got involved in a gaming store that was here before I met Chisato. Used to play with her and your parents before Nanako was born."

"So  _that's_ where my Mom learned it from." Minoru smiled. "She said she didn't want to tell because you were always so embarrassed about it, so she respected your privacy."

"Yeah, her too." Dojima winced. "And we were always terrified when she wasn't the DM. She's a lawyer for a reason."

"That she is," Minoru replied wincing, memories of being soundly defeated in arguments coming up painfully. "If I ever hear 'half-ogre spiked chain fighter' again, it'll be too soon."

"But... slugs?" The silver-haired teenager cocked an eyebrow. "I'm a bit curious what you mean by that.

As he saw Nanako wince slighly, Dojima gave a sheepish grin. "Well, remember how I said Nanako was moving some of the lighter things during the garage sale? One of those lighter things was a Monster Manual for a setting called Ravenloft, and she read a bit, and... well..."

* * *

_"IT EATS BRAINS!"_

"I've never seen this before from her." Nanako's teacher paused the video of the terrified girl now clinging to the top of a jungle gym, as Nanako tried very hard to become invisible. "I mean, I figured something was wrong when she came into school murmuring 'can't sleep, hags will eat me', and avoiding anything not nailed down, but at this point, we figured it might be better if she just went home for a day."

* * *

Dojima chuckled softly. "I don't think sea spawn are something we use around her. Still, once she played the game, and realized nothing in it was real, she's come to really like it." 

Nanako shivered softly. "I'm still afraid of campfires, though."

"...um... moving on..." Minoru said, shaking his head. "It sounds like you can DM quite well."

"Quite well indeed. I can't homebrew for crud, but I can certainly organize an adventure." Dojima laughed, before backpedaling a bit. "Well, I  _can_ homebrew if it's something someone else created, but creating a fantasy world that combines steampunk with western pirates? _That's_ out of my league."

Minoru found himself laughing with his secondary father figure, a smile on his face. From the looks of things, Nanako was giggling a bit as well. It was quite odd - but no less heartwarming - to see the Dojimas bond in such a fashion, and it made Minoru envious enough for an idea to pop in his head.

"...hey, I got an idea." Minor smiled, his signature calmness belying his enthusiasm. "...you think you could play with me and my friends?"

Dojima's face lit up with Minoru's. "Actually... yeah, that's a _really_ good plan! I haven't played a long game in ages, and, well, Nanako requested easy mode."

As Minoru cocked an eyebrow over what he meant by an "easy mode," he saw Nanako giggle a bit. "Heehee... I loved the sorceress bandit's expressions you did, Dad!"

Dojima smiled at Nanako's joyous expression, before turning to Minoru. "So, I take it you really want to do this?"

"You're kidding, right? Absolutely." Minoru nodded firmly. "I'd love to be able to partake in this."

"Heh, alright then! It's settled." Dojima nodded, before turning to her daughter. "Nanako, do you want to partake as well? You don't have to, but it'd be fun!"

Nanako blinked a bit, before pausing for a moment. "Ummm, uh... I'll think about it! I'm not exactly certain for now, but I'd love to play with Big Bro!"

The seven-year-old giggled with her Big Bro, and Minoru turned to Dojima with a smile. "Alright! After dinner, I'll be sure to go on our group chat to see if anyone's game.

Dojima smiled back at his nephew. In hindsight, however, Dojima would wish he could travel back in time to warn his past self what would become of this game.

* * *

Indeed, after dinner's conclusion, Minoru would return back to Okina, his home. It was already extremely late - 10:00 PM, roughly - so he found himself snug in his own bed. Even if he stayed in Yasoinaba more than Okina, and  _especially_ disregarding how he sleeps over for Sundays, Minoru still reminded himself that he had a home to come back to in the city. He still preferred Yasoinaba by a large enough margin that it wasn't even close.

Regardless, he flipped open his phone, and he was quite surprised to see a great deal of conversation going on in the chatroom.

_**Minoru Sakamoto [Admin] is now online.** _

**Minoru Sakamoto [Admin]:** Hey, guys! May I have a moment of your time?

 **RiKu-chan:** hai senpaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!! <3

 **Ayane Matsunaga [Admin]:** Hiya, Minoru! What's up?

 **ComplainsDepartment:** yeah, you came a bit late to the chat, dude. err, no offense.

 **Minoru Sakamoto [Admin]:** None taken. I just learned something recently.

 **BikerBeater:** oh? wassat, senpai?

 **Minoru Sakamoto [Admin]:** Well, apparently, Dojima loves tabletop RPGs, and I think it'd be a lot of fun if we could play a campaign together.

 **Minoru Sakamoto [Admin]:** Yes, I'm being serious. Dojima is a D&D guy, and he thinks he can DM on weekends when I'm over.

 **ComplainsDepartment:** holy crap, supercop has a bit of conan in him? given his build, not that surprised

 **RiKu-chan:** nw imagining d shirtles w/ loincloth. H8 u so mch. DX

 **Yukiko Amagi:** Really? I'd feel intimidated by someone that old who has been a barbarian hero that long. Beware King Dojima of the Golden Years.

 **Ayane Matsunaga [Admin]:** Actually, given how those stories go, i feel bad for Nanako. She'd get dead or kidnapped for sacrificing to Izanami constantly.

 **Ayane Matsunaga [Admin]:** Hey,  _you_ guys entrusted me with 2011's crazy events! From what you're telling me, Izanami sounds horrifying.

 **ComplainsDepartment:** well, that was more or less partner's decision. honestly, my stomach kinda twisted a little when minoru filled his girlfriend on their investigation

 **Minoru Sakamoto [Admin]:** You deserved to know, and you're someone I can trust with the secret. I think your honor's one of your best qualities.

 **Ayane Matsunaga [Admin]:** Senpai... th-thank you!

 **Ayane Matsunaga [Admin]:** ^##^

 **RiKu-chan:** Senpai, with all due respect, can you  _please_ save these moments elsewere?

 **ComplainsDepartment:** oooh, you're not jelly, are you risette?!

 **ComplainsDepartment:**...ohgodpleasedonthurtme

 **Naoto Shirogane** :Anyway, if I may interject...

 **Naoto Shirogane** : Yosuke, Dojima's personality is more akin to a Clark Ashton Smith sorcerer - as an intellectual others consult with a distinct family, he is not nearly as much of an outsider as Conan of Cimmeria is.

 **Naoto Shirogane** : Indeed, his position in life would probably make him more likely an antagonist to Conan.

 **steak trash:** so, 'the pagoda of ryotaro' would be his story? fear the power of the eibon coffee! >o<

 **steak trash:** i may have seen some of yuki-chan's collection, and hid under the bed from some of her more morbid ones.

 **Yukiko Amagi:** I really don't know why. I don't find Deep Ones scary at all. Really, I think it's sweet that he could finally accept his heritage like that.

 **BikerBeater:** ?

 **RiKu-chan:** Srsly? i have a prsnl restrning order agnst HPL bookz, and i know wt a Deep 1 is. T_T

 **BikerBeater:** talkin bout Smith. 

 **Yukiko Amagi:** Guy who knew Lovecraft.

 **BikerBeater:**  ooh, gotcha.

 **Minoru Sakamoto [Admin]:** So anyway, whenever I'm around, he's got this idea for a Forgotten Realms campaign involving a lot of undead.

 **steak trash:** i have no idea what that is, but sure! i'm game!

 **steak trash:** ^_^

 **Yukiko Amagi:** _That_ Forgotten Realms!? As in Baldur's Gate!? Oh yes, yes I would love that!

 **Yukiko Amagi:** And plus, it'd be unfair if I wasn't present with my girlfriend for this game. If Chie's going, I'm going.

 **steak trash:** j-jeez, c'mon yukiko... >##<

 **ComplainsDepartment:** okay, how many players?

 **Minoru Sakamoto [Admin]:** 4 and counting.

 **Naoto Shirogane:**  Try 5. It will be interesting to explore the potential of RP to stress relief given this current case I am working on.

 **BikerBeater:**   6. if Nao's in, im too.

 **Teddie!!:** Sorry sensei, Yosuke-kun and I have a sale to stock. We don't think we can make it for at least three unbearlivably long weeks!! DX

 **ComplainsDepartment:** thanks for reminding me... goddamnit >_>

 **RiKu-chan:** cncert tour. sorry, senpai... =(

 **Yukiko Amagi:** Damn.

 **ComplainsDepartment:** wait, who's the extra guy? did you count me in by default? cause seriously, thanks, but i can't.

 **Minoru Sakamoto [Admin]:** Ayane. I asked her first.

 **RiKu-chan:** Wait,Matsunaga's there?

 **Naoto Shirogane:** Kujikawa? Why are you suddenly using grammar again?

 **RiKu-chan:** Oh, nothing.

 **RiKu-chan:** But isn't she a bit inexperienced with tabletop? I mean, I did it a lot before the producers forced me to drop it.

 **RiKu-chan:** I mean, it's not a strenuous tour, I could attend over Skype or something.

 **Ayane Matsunaga [Admin]:** Oh, you don't have to worry. More than six people gets a bit hectic. I know from playing the WoD games.

 **RiKu-chan:** Oh. I see.

**_RiKu-chan is now offline._ **

**Minoru Sakamoto [Admin]:**???

 **Minoru Sakamoto [Admin]:** She didn't even say goodbye... what's with her?

 **Naoto Shirogane:** I am sworn to protect her privacy, and will not tell you her issues. I will say I am attacking a wall with my forehead, however.

 **Minoru Sakamoto [Admin]:** Seriously? Why?

**_Naoto Shirogane is typing..._ **

**BikerBasher** : nao, can you stop? youll wake up mom.

 **BikerBasher** : (fyi, she's crashing at my house)

 **Naoto Shirogane:** Alright, never mind.

 **ComplainsDepartment:** well, good gaming, guys! probably a lot more exciting than my crap.

 **Ayane Matsunaga [Admin]:** Alrighty then! See you then, Senpai! Love you! <3

**_Ayane Matsunaga [Admin] is now offline._ **

Minoru burned a bit upon seeing her girlfriend's cheerful enthusiasm. Damn it all, why must she be so cute?!

* * *

Indeed, the next day would have Minoru, Ayane, Yukiko, Chie, Kanji and Naoto appear for the game Dojima was hosting. Yet the first hint that things had gone sideways, in retrospect, was the distinct scene that greeted Minoru and the PCs he had.

Specifically, Dojima wearing a particular hat.

"Um..." Minoru blinked. "Nice... wizard hat, Dojima." He tried to not notice the fraying stars or the obvious, and obviously flawed, needlework.

Kanji was not so kind. "Uh, dude? You need help with that?"

"It's old," Dojima admitted, a hint of shame in his voice. "I don't think it's been out of the box in 20 years."

Yukiko immediately collapsed into giggling, to a quick finger flick from Chie. " _Yukiko!_ Don't mock the man's college years!"

"...I had graduated by that point," Dojima replied, looking rather depressed.

"...oh." Chie shrank into her seat, looked ashamed.

"You know though," Ayane said, looking around. "It's not... _bad_ , strictly, but I was expecting... more, uhhh..."

"Stuff?", finished Dojima, shrugging. "Actually I have neither the time nor the inclination for that. I know that WoD involves a lot of tuxedos, brooding scenery, and melodrama-"

"Hey!" Ayane narrowed her eyes. "A vampire has every right to be a little unhappy about their unlives! How'd _you_ feel if you were suddenly inducted into the mafia and only could live off blood?!"

"Um..." Kanji blinked. "Note to self, never play... wait, what does WoD stand for?"

Ayane turned to Kanji. "Ah. Well, World of Darkness is-"

"It takes too long to explain in one setting," Minoru hurriedly interrupted, not wanting to wait 30 minutes for Ayane to be done with explaining every book she had, again. "So, can we wait until after the game? _Please?"_

Ayane paused, before sighing in defeat. Regardless, she smiled back at her boyfriend. "...okay, Bumper." 

Dojima nodded. "Yeah, it - wait, _Bumper?"_

"A component of a trumpet that prevents damage to nearby players," Naoto replied, automatically. "...though it _is_ a bizarre pet name. Why?"

"...because the other caused every boy nearby to giggle," Ayane said, turning red.

"Really? What was it?" Kanji shot up, before pausing for a moment and shrinking. "...actually, I don't think I need to know. Carry on."

Naoto's glare eased.

"...um, back on the subject," Dojima interjected awkwardly. As he spoke however, he bought out a speaker that was placed accordingly on the table. "I don't have the money or inclination for that. Naoto was kind enough to lend me this, though. So, if everyone will take a seat..."

And with the explanation finished, Dojima switched the music player on.

**(Music: March of the Gladiators - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_B0CyOAO8y0)**

"Come one, come all, noble heroes. All across the world, there is... a legend... of..."

Slowly, Dojima turned to the speaker as Naoto's cheeks burned red.

"...Naoto-kun," said Yukiko through a heroic attempt at a straight face. "Why do you think Dojima... is a  _clown?_ "

Wordlessly, the Detective Prince flew over to the player, hitting pause before going to playlists.

The expression became one of murderous rage. "...I am going to break his headphones and stuff them up that bear's nose."

The playlist programmed to be automatically played by default, as it turns out, was 'DJ T and Y's Special April Fools Mix.'

"Well," Chie said, ignoring her girlfriend going into one of her laughing paroxysms, "At least they didn't use rap."

"H-How did you not see that already, Nao?" Now Kanji was attempting to keep a straight face.

"I don't use the defaults," Naoto growled as she deleted the offending data. "Normally I browse through what songs I like without referring to - or paying attention to - the playlists."

"...well, at least they didn't see the prank go off," Dojima said, hiding a smirk. "So you have a victory there."

"True. But I am still marking this down as 'karma required'." With that, Naoto changed the playlist to manual and browsed to the actual song.

"Okay then. Starting again..."

**(Music: Twilight Princess Symphonic Movement (0:00 - 1:15) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kSKRFxo3rQ)**

"Come one, come all noble heroes. All across the world, there is a legend of another world, a world of great magic and terrible monsters. In time, this world was closed off from our own for Earth's safety, but that world still beats on - despite the best efforts of dark gods and mighty fiends to raze it of all life..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it'll be very interesting seeing where this goes from here. Stay tuned until next time!


	2. A Song of Ice and Fire... Magic from Yukiko

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The game finally begins, and thus begins a crusades against the nefarious forces of undeath... and, hopefully, bad rolls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The most important part of the campaign is character creation.
> 
> Unfortunately, most of the Investigation Team has never drawn so much as a stick figure.
> 
> Can you spot the player archetypes?

Any hints Dojima had about having two experienced players helping the rest was dashed with one line from Yukiko:

"Huh? Where's the THAC0?"

"Mercifully gone," Dojima replied, sighing. "Higher numbers are now always better."

"Really?" Yukiko rose an eyebrow. "But hitting people in the midst of battle gets hard, it would make sense that-"

"And there is a system," Dojima replied, rubbing his forehead. "It just isn't 'smaller accuracy number, the better'."

"Okay, but where are the suggested ages?" Yukiko dramatically flipped through the borrowed rulebook. "No tables for when you complete your education as a wizard, no developmental time for the childhood of elves, nothing."

"Aren't there," he replied, strangled. "Everyone humanoid is a physical adult at human ages, minus quick-growing races like half-orcs. Elves just culturally consider you an adult at 100, when you've developed enough worldly experience. There's no barriers on prodigies."

"But becoming a wizard requires decades of expertise and education to memorize the spell formulae-"

" _Prodigies._ You're the player characters, it's likely you are the exception."

"Speaking of-" she said, flipping to the 'tiefling' entry, "why isn't there class restrictions? I mean, I wouldn't expect someone who favors the mental attributes to-"

"Aren't any. It's not smart, but you can be a tiefling fighter with no XP penalty."

Yukiko blinked. "Fifth Edition is  _weird._ "

"Not as weird as Fourth." Dojima shrugged "That was a return to wargaming roots, but not in any way that resulted, in my humble opinion, real strategic depth. There was no soul in that version."

Chie blinked. "Um, wargaming?"

"D&D was originally a fantasy variant of Chainmail, a wargame simulating medieval combat," Yukiko replied automatically. "But while we're at it, where are the Morale scores?"

"They're gone too. Since Third."

"Huh? But without Morale scores, how will we be able to see our enemies driven before us as we hear the lamentations of their women?" Yukiko looked downcast.

There was a long pause in the conversation.

"Maybe you should stop reading Howard just before we go to bed?" Chie asked.

"But I like girding loins..."

"You're playing a _sorcerer_ , Yukiko," Naoto said, aggravation obvious. "You don't _have_ them."

Yukiko smiled slightly. "No, but Matrona does."

Chie blushed.

"...hey, since we seem to be embracing divorcing game mechanics from physics here," Yukiko began.. "Is it alright if Freedom here changes all of her spells to, um..."

Chie rose an eyebrow. "You want to be the flamethrower in the game as well?"

Yukiko blushed. "Er, yes. It makes sense that would be an extension of her natural abilities and magic as a tiefling."

Dojima looked thoughtful. "...no problem at all. I assume you're taking Elemental Adept at some point."

Yukiko brightened. "Oh yes, thank you!"

In hindsight, Dojima should have noticed her hanging around the rules of cantrips having unlimited uses per day-and the fact that "Create Bonfire" and "Control Flames" were both cantrips.

* * *

Kanji, however, had a different problem.

"Oh crud. There's  _math_ involved in this!?"

"...yes?" Naoto replied, confused. 

"...is there a way of, uh, not math?" Kanji grinned sheepishly. "One that involves less division on the spot?"

"What does this look like, FATE?" Minoru said, grinning.

No response. 

"I... think we're the only ones who know what that is, Bumper," Ayane said, sheepishly.

"...so, um, Hit Dice." Kanji chewed on the inside of his mouth. "Do I roll them every encounter or-"

"No." Dojima replied. "You roll the number of times indicated on your class and then take the average, adding to your Constitution bonus for your dice points."

"What if I roll all ones?"

"...then you exorcise the dice and try again," Dojima said. "I'm not going to have PCs made of paper because of demonic interference."

Meanwhile, in the trackless depths of the Collective Unconscious, Coyote swore in Blackfoot.

"Okay, and the bonus is... uh..."

"On a table in the book."

"Okay... er, this is that point buy, right?"

"...yes?" Dojima said, now a bit pleadingly.

"Okay..." Kanji inhaled.

And exhaled.

And inhaled.

And checked the table.

And exhaled.

And inhaled.

"...can I just use the standard scores?"

Dojima's head impacted the table at the same time as Naoto's.

"Statistically, those aren't nearly as specialized as the rest of us," Yukiko interjected. "If you don't do point buy, you're going to lag behind we powergamers."

"Yeah, I get that, but power isn't worth  _this_ mess!" He pointed to the exact text. "I can't keep all that in my head, man!"

"Then ask Naoto!" Chie said. "How do you think she knows Matrona has a great lower body! She built her!"

There was a brief as Kanji processed this, before blushing.

"...Nao, do you mind? I mean, I can take up the slack if making Syltris was a bit-"

"IHAVENOOBJECTIONSLETSJUSTKEEPMOVING!"

* * *

"So, no evil artifacts I have to fight for constant control?" Ayane said, hopefully.

"I find it hilarious the idea of a trumpet being that, but no," Dojima replied. "Those are all too high level for that."

"Okay. No vampires, dhampirs, or lycanthropes?" 

"Evil parodies of the people they were, nonexistent in this region, and either evil race of marauders or people afflicted by a disease nobody wants or wants to be around."

"Fae lover of Lugus?"

"Okay, now you're being silly."

Ayane chewed on the inside of her mouth. "Okay... how else can I sabotage myself?"

Minoru blinked. "Huh?"

"Well, if I have an obvious conflict in my character, that's something I can easily do to wrack up Advantages and save them for a critical moment when trying to save everyone-"

"Ayane, Advantage isn't a Fate point, and XP is awarded at the discretion of the DM, not as part of Conditions. You don't stack Advantage, you add it to a roll you are currently making."

"...oh. Okay, so has my fandom included any useful contacts?"

Minoru sighed. "Can you tell she learned her RPGs from the World of Darkness? I think she conquered the world in the name of the Ordo Dracul once."

The name wrung a bell in Dojima's memory. "...aren't those vampiric academics? College guys?"

" _Exactly._ "

* * *

"You sure a fencer isn't a rogue, Minoru?"

"We already have one of those, and given how much fencing depends on the legs and keeping a steady position, I figured fighter was the best choice. Plus, we need two tanks to protect two DPS. That, and I like being the caped, noble knight, and a greatsword would get the cape caught in it a lot."

"Ah, good point."

And thus did Lugus become the only character whose editing did not have "minutes spent on" be in the double digits.

* * *

"We. Are.  _Done._ " Naoto sighed in relief.

"Freedom and Matrona, heaven and hell, up for duty!" Chie exclaimed, saluting. Yukiko sniggered.

"Lugus and Berylla, sword and song, are mustering too, Uncle!" Minoru inhaled, looking heroic.

"Syltris and Donamir are... uh, sharp and pointy, I guess." Kanji shrugged. "I dunno how to describe us."

"Wood and rock?"

"Yeah, that! Ready for... something to do with military... anyway, let's just _do_ this!"

Dojima cracked his knuckles. "All right...gather round, as we enter the Forgotten Realms..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes, The Sun is the angsty WoD gamer for XP purposes. Can you taste the irony?


	3. Marble White Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The adventure begins officially, though... with unexpected consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leliel: In which the adventure begins! Sanity's funeral was held the next day.  
> Boyd: I definitely look forward it it. Well anyways, I'm definitely excited to see how this chapter will go? Fifty bucks says it wont end well, at all. Enjoy!

In the Forgotten Realms, weddings are somehow even more tense affairs than normal. Evil, as a force, seems to love ruining people on their happiest days, both for ritual purposes of warped vows plus despair, and because it thinks the whole thing is a hilarious joke that deserves a punchline.

"Um, technically, that would be Chaotic Evil and Neutral Evil, Lawful Evil likely believes in a covenant-"

Based on utter dominance. I hesitate to call that equal power-sharing unless both are very successful tyrants. It's not based on love, certainly.

"...point taken."

In any case, weddings are the kind of thing most mercenary companies have a branch specialized in in Aber-Toril, just in case. It's even more tense when there is actual political power involved. Such as the case right now, where it's entirely possible one of said love matches may avert a war.

Tethyr, while a goodly nation known for its heroes and virtues, no country is without its dark pasts. To the east of the nation lies Erlkazar, a similarly goodly nation that just so happens to have been once annexed by its larger neighbor. While that has long been worked out and Erlkazar is its own sovereign state once again, the country has a long memory. Especially since elven prosecution played a role in why they felt they wanted independence, and the inability of Tethyr at the time to control its own noble feuding. To put it simply, there's bad blood, which has recently been aggravated by the Barony of Night, a group of vampire-led bandits. Erlkazar resents Tethyr constantly checking for the Barony and crossing their borders to do so, Tethyr the fact that many suspect the reason they are so elusive is that they are being deliberately hidden. 

Then, miracle of miracles, a young scion of Tethyr's most important families ended up being one of the attempted hunters of the Barony. This had as much luck as every other attempt to find them, but in the process, he came into contact with a half-elven lady that later turned out to be a princess of Erlkazar. Long story short, he proposed long before her true identity was revealed, and both houses realized this was a way out of the political mess.

Thus, did Budai Antal and Tanwen Glas' little love story become something that could save both their homes...and everyone knows it. Including those who would rather one or both realms be...not saved.

Which is where you come in. To ensure ease of bureaucracy and to cement the diplomatic talks as quickly as possible, the wedding is being held in Saradush, the archive city. Naturally, it does not have the best security in the world, which is why you come in. You have been hired to be the couple's guard, a most prestigious duty among those adventurers who haven't reached the point where the gods themselves are following exploits. Each of you has been handpicked by Budai and Tanwen to be their guards, and besides what moral duties you feel towards protecting a wedding, you believe this will be quite lucrative. And so, you muster at the main gate's guardhouse, looking forward to an easy job.

"Dun dun  _duuuuuuuuuuun._ "

Amagi, please stop.

"I know, I know, heehee. It's just that kind of thing pains every single neuron I have that remembers a shonen series."

Well, it's the start of a campaign so... good point.

Anyway... cue introductions.

...

"Er, first, can I describe the scene?"

Sure, Minoru.

"Ahem..."

The guardhouse... is not all that special. It's a basic walled checkpoint with a watchpost attached to the barracks. It's also at the barracks that a silver-haired young man, resplendent in a cape and fancy, regal leather armor inspects his new comrades while tapping his sword - an epee rapier - at his side.

"Huh? Wait, Senpai. _What's_ an epee?"

* * *

Minoru furrowed his brow. "Um... it's a type of fencing sword, Kanji. Looks like a foil."

"Uh..." Minoru could almost _swear_ that steam was rising out of Kanji's ears. "...wha?"

The silver-haired teen sighed audibly, traces of annoyance in his voice. "...that narrow, pointy sword with a bell-shaped guard found in pirate movies, only longer and with a bigger guard."

Kanji mused a bit. "Huh... a'right, I never knew those were a thing."

Naoto, almost on instinct, let her palm slap her forehead.

"Seriously?!" Naoto cried, more than a little baffled. "We've watched  _tons_ of swashbuckler films together, Kanji! Don't tell me you've never heard of a rapier!"

"S-Sorry, Naoto..." Kanji fidgeted. "I, uh, didn't know that's what they were called 'n all."

Yukiko apparently shared her friend's annoyance, before perking up. "...wait. Naoto-kun, you watch swashbuckler films?"

Naoto blushed on instinct, hiding under her hat.

"U-Um... yes." Naoto squeaked indignantly. "I've, um, always been fascinated with Early Modern-era dueling systems."

"Well now!" Ayane smiled happily. "Seems somebody's a fan of the old-school stuff. Not that there's anything wrong with that; I love classical music the most!"

Naoto looked ready to die of embarrassment, before slamming her hands on the table. "C-Can we please continue?! I'd like to continue this game  _without_ feeling embarrased!"

"Alright, alright, fair is fair." Dojima chuckled. "Please, continue, Minoru."

* * *

The young, silver-haired man looks over the group and bows politely. "It's nice to meet you all. I'm Lugus Danzasil, a cousin of the groom. Currently, I'm also a fellow guardsman, so as we can all see, nepotism is alive and well in noble Tethyr." The normal guards attempt to laugh at the bad joke.

Fixated a bit on the group, he raises an eyebrow. "So... you all are...?"

Indeed, the party was quite a diverse cast: blue-haired elf dressed in equally-blue robes and a hood, a wild-looking dwarf clad in heavy clothes with a hirsute blonde beard, a shortish, brunette human whose plate armor would make it hard to tell her gender were it not for the absence of a helmet, all while a pink-skinned tiefling with black, long hair fiddled with her red robes.

"So, uh..." The dwarf began awkwardly. "...do ya see any other guys that look like a bunch o' international mercenaries?"

The stout, muscular dwarf quickly backpedaled. "Actually, that was a stupid question. But there _should_ be a halfling here-"

"Lugy!"

A small, green-haired halfling with a trumpet strapped to her back bolts towards Lugus. The two quickly embrace, Lugus lifting the halfling to equal eye level.

"Y-You actually secured a spot for me...?!" The teenaged halfling's eyes were sparkling. "R-Really?!"  

"Of course I would," Lugus smiled, his voice oozing with his 16 Charisma score. "Only for the most gorgeous halfling in all of Toril."

They didn't waste much time, as Berylla allowed her lips to meet Lugus', both mouths open and in a very unchaste tangle.

* * *

The world of fantasy wasn't the only place where intimate tongue-dancing was happening, as Minoru and Ayane's lips were locked into each others'.

Kanji sighed to himself, blushing a bit. "Ah, hell. They're _always_ like this."

Naoto was even redder, barely having enough dignity to not hide under her hat. "...d-do I want to know how you know that?"

"As part of the man code, no." Kanji shook his head. "But I _will_ say this: you know how we were when we got started, Nao? They haven't stopped. Ever."

As Naoto finally began to hide under her hat while her cheeks blazed red, Chie glanced at the young couple making out with each other. "Yeah, I don't blame you. It can get painful to watch sometimes."

Yukiko gave an impish, mischievous smile. "But Chie, I thought you _liked_ the touchy-feely..."

"Wh-Whaaa!?" Chie immediately turned beet red. "B-But I do! I-It's just that - wait, why are you smiling?"

"Snrk." Yukiko snickered. "Made you blush."

Dojima, having been clueless up to this point, finally put two and two together. "So... wait. So you two girls are-"

"Um... yep." Chie blushed even more. "I'm honestly surprised you haven't figured out earlier, Dojima. You  _are_ a detective."

Dojima glanced at Kanji and Naoto all the while. "So does that mean Detective Shirogane and Tatsumi are...?"

Kanji and Naoto's beet-faced mortification gave Dojima all the answers he needed. The middle-aged detective merely sighed.

"I suddenly feel very glad I didn't ask about that red mark over Satonaka's chest..."

Chie glanced down to her tanktop, and indeed, a red mark trailed over her slighty-visible chest. "EEEP! C-Crap, crap, crap, gotta get my sweater..."

While Chie immediately scrambled for the coatrack, Naoto looked ready to die of embarrassment. Thankfully for her sake, Yukiko picked up on that.

"Um, Dojima-san?" Yukiko began softly. "For Naoto-kun's sake, let's not bring up anything sexually intimate, please..."

"Huh? But it sounds interesting to-" Dojima said this with a blush before perking up a bit. "Actually, did you two ever stop kissing?"

Indeed, "those two" were none other than Minoru and Ayane, who finally left their blissful reverie to be reminded that people were watching. The two departed from each other's lips with a string of saliva linking their tongues, and the young couple immediately blushed red.

"U-Um..." Ayane squeaked. "S-Sorry, guys."

"It's fine, you shouldn't worry too much." Yukiko smiled. "Though I  _do_ imagine that with as much passion as  _that,_ you'd have to deal with the child protective services on a regular basis. Snrk!"

As Ayane blushed, she turned to her boyfriend. "Um, Bumper... I know  _we've_ stopped kissing, but have our characters done the same?"

Minoru blinked before blushing some more. "Actually... I don't think we did."

* * *

The green-haired halfling bard starts to murmur, her voice still cut off my soft moans of mild pleasure. "Mmf... L-Lugy... mmf... the speech..."

It suddenly occurs to Lugus that everyone is staring at him oddly. As both lovers turned beet red, he puts down his short lover.

"E-Excuse me for that." The silver-haired nobleman fidgeted, thinking of excuses. "We have not seen each other in, um... in a week."

"Sure." The devil-girl looked unconvinced, and poked at her armored companion with amusement. "I think we've met the one couple in Toril who's more lovey-dovey than _us,_ Matrona."

"And the Viscount said  _we_ were bad." Matrona shakes her head. "...actually, who is she? She seems more like part of the reception than a guard to me..."

"Berylla," the green-haired halfling said, bowing gracefully. "I'm both. Lugy here got me a post as first chair in the orchestra!"

"Really?" The blue-haired elf poked out from her hood, her composure regained. "How would _that_ be? I've never heard of her."

The halfling makes a strangled sound between a groan and a cry of despair.

"Impressing my cousin, and familial bonds." Lugus thinks for a while, before chuckling wryly. "...in that I impressed him by using my familial bonds to all but lick his feet if he gave Berylla some more exposure."

"I'm trying to be known in more places than Amn," the bard said, nodding with her boyfriend's story. "Lugus' been a really big help."

Lugus blushed slightly at this compliment.

"Okay then, now that the uncomfortable carriage moment is over, I suppose _other_ introductions are in order!" The armored woman clapped, her armored hands ringing a bit from the collision. "My name's Matrona Moltenheim, one of Lord Illmater's chosen knights. The girl next to me is _not_ a fiend."

"...I swear, people think that's a Narfell way of saying hello..." The tiefling sighed before perking up, her tail wagging a bit. "Oh, yes! My name's Freedom. Just Freedom; tiefling virtue names. I'm the ranged magic specialist to my beloved's healing and melee. It's a package deal when hiring us, as one smashes, and the other burns to a crisp!"

"I am Syltris, the security expert. I serve as both woods detail and as an expert inspector for guards." The blue-haired elf bows, a lupine companion beside her doing the same in tandem. "To my left is Fangs; he's one of my closest companions."

The wolf barked happily.

The blonde, burly dwarf shrugged. "Th' name's Donamir. Muscle. Guess we're like Freedom and Matrona, except I'm the smasher and my girl's the shooter."

There is a brief pause before the elf blushes and goes straight back under the hood.

* * *

"Wait just a second."

Dojima turned to the group in slight disbelief. "You're  _all_ lovers of others in the group?"

Ayane shrugged. "For ease of RP, I guess...?"

"Sexually _active_ lovers?"

As Kanji and Naoto were the only two of the group not to turn beet red, Kanji improvised an answer. "...w-well, _we're_ not precisely _active_ , but I doubt Syltris and Donamir have never, er... ya know." 

Silence would reign for a few more brief beats before Dojima continued, flabbergasted all the while.

"So the couple's guard..." Dojima reiterated the ironic situation. "...is made of couples."

Minoru shrugged. "...yes?"

A few more minutes of silence prevailed, before it was quickly shattered by Yukiko's raucous laughter.

Chie sighed as she glanced over to her girlfriend, fully overtaken by her signature laughing fit. "...okay, while we're waiting for Yuki to stop laughing, does _anyone_ have any suggestions on what duties the egalitarian version of the Sacred Band of Thebes is being paid to oversee?"

* * *

It certainly isn't the most strenuous mission in the world. The squad consisting of, well, you all are dedicated to observing known weak points in the city's defenses, the current one being a large scrapheap for various discarded bits of building and wooden debris. You would be surprised what magically-focused malcontents are capable of with this stuff.

"Um, hello? Proficiency in the Arcane skill!"

 _Most_ of you would be surprised what magically-focused malcontents are capable of with this stuff.

Anyway, an odd mist settles over the area. The cool air gives a tingle to your skin.

"It's... sort of lonely, here." Lugus sighs rather drearily, gesturing at an old pile of wagon parts. "You would think these could be reused, made whole again... and yet..."

Syltris looked skeptical. "...they're old wheels. They are replaced when they wear out, and left for the elements to claim. Or are used as firewood."

"True, but this is why I signed up for the adventuring lifestyle," Lugus looked around. "I'm trained to be an aristocrat, but then I saw the wake of orc attacks. It's all like this, just broken and... bleak."

Freedom's tail droops, a frown appearing on the tiefling's lips. "...I know how you feel. It's really hard to watch this happen when you have the power to change it."

Donamir sniffs. "This kinda apathy happens all the time underground, 'round the forges. It's why I went to the surface, an' never looked back."

Syltris shrugged at her dwarven boyfriend's response. "Sentiment or not, I don't see anything disturbed for raw materials. I do not believe anyone has been here for a while-"

Suddenly, Matrona's hair stands on end. She felt a cold chill run down her spine, and instinctively, she shuddered a bit. Freedom apparently took notice.

"Hm? Matrona?" Freedom glanced at her girlfriend. "Is something wrong?"

Matrona paused for a few more brief moments, before instinctively raising her sword. "Um, guys? I'm sensing something..."

It takes you a second to remember that a paladin's senses are tuned to the bright and dark divine... and the undead.

You, therefore, are not too surprised when the mist suddenly animates and collapses in on itself to form a humanoid form, a roiling cloud with the face of a rot-eaten skull, In its eye sockets are glowing pits with the barest hint of pupils completely devoid of sanity. It shrieks, a piercing, screeching howl.

...also, Satonaka? You can roll that Religion skill for this.

"Huh? But wouldn't that be Arcana? I mean, I think undead are made by magic-"

They are, but as creatures of the violated afterlife, undead are focused on in studies of divine magic. Especially since most infamous nercomancers have been death priests.

"Oh. Um, okay."

...

...success! Nice roll, Chie.

Anyway, Matrona recognizes this entity as a specter, the insane, homicidal remnant of a soul that remains on the material plane, but does not know why. This means that the only emotion they have left is jealousy of the living, and hunger for the life they once had, raging and killing until they themselves are exorcised-which can just mean destruction of their semi-corporeal bodies, without which they don't have the negative energy to continue existing. They can't escape to the Ethereal plane like true ghosts, but they are highly resistant to damage and can pass through solid objects.

"What the-" Matrona raises her sword. "What the hells is a specter doing here!? This place looks _nothing_ like a graveyard!"

"...may I roll Investigation for something that likely happened in the past before I showed up for roll call?"

It makes sense. DC 12 is the requirement, Shirogane.

...

"...done, and if I am reading this correctly, I barely passed."

You did. You suddenly recall a group of complaints about "vandals" in the cemetery. Based on that, it doesn't take much to assume this is a necromancer's creation-specters are easy to create if you don't mind further defiling the corpse of someone who died violently, and ripping off part of their soul mid-journey to afterlife.

"That is... callous. But nevermind." Syltris notched her bow. "I believe this may be the creation of a necromancer, likely as a thug or soldier."

"Whatever it is," Berylla says, whipping out her trumpet, "this thing is dangerous! Incorporeal undead are said to be life force locusts!"

Okay, so everyone, roll your initiative - the d20, and then apply your Dexterity bonus. The higher you are, the sooner you move.

...

...unless the specter rolls a natural 20. Huh.

"A roll of twenty? That is certainly favorable, but hardly insurmountable with high enough-"

No, rolling a 20 on a d20 is a "critical success" of a roll. Whoever gets it has a bonus to whatever skill was checked with that particular role. In other words, the specter moves first no matter how high anyone else rolls, unless they roll natural twenties too."

"Oh. That is... statistically improbable. As is Freedom rolling below Matrona on a Dexterity test of any sort."

Huh. Probability is weird like that. 

Moving so quickly it's difficult to see, the specter...

Backs off, shrieking a bizarre set of half-remembered invectives form its life. You notice a pile of junk behind it.

"What the - it's running away?" Lugus shook his head. "Damn it, if this thing escapes it's going to be a threat to every breathing townsperson alive!" He points behind the junkpile. "Syltris, Donamir, you seem pretty quick on your feet, you and head off its escape route! Matrona, Berylla, Freedom, you chase it into the pile!"

"Won't it be safe if it can hide inside solid objects!?" Syltris yells back.

"Um, do you think it's a DC 15 to remember a certain weakness specters have, uncle?"

Sure.

"Rolling...

...

"...whew. Barely made it."

"Specters can  _move_ through solid objects, but can't  _stay_ in them!" Lugus yells back. "If it tries to hide in there the Ethereal pressure will tear it apart!"

"Can run, can't hide. Works for me!" Donamir stands up and beats his chest, a look of feral fury in his eyes. "LET'S BUST THIS GHOST!"

Freedom finds this funny for reasons that make no sense until you figure in other worlds.

"Fangs, keep it running into the pile," Syltris commands. "We must not allow it to find another means of escape!"

"Hey, you big ghostly coward!" Matrona yells, running as fast as she can ahead of the chasers. "I thought you guys liked hurting paladins!"

Freedom readies a spell-and pauses to think.

"How much of this area is wood?"

Er... about 45%. Mostly wooden palettes that have seen their glory days come and go-

Freedom unleashes the Burning Hands, a torrent vortex of flames in front of her, catching everything in sight on fire.

"Wait, WHAT!?"

Natural 20, you hit the wood, the specter, and for whatever reason, Matrona. There is damage remaining after being sent down to zero, so she is now instantly dead.

* * *

There was a very long moment as Chie slowly turned to her girlfriend, her jaw righteously on the floor. She then quickly turned to her girlfriend, and slammed her hands on the table.

 _"WHAT THE HELL, YUKIKO?!"_ Chie cried out in distraught. _"WHY DID YOU KILL ME?!"_

"H-Huh!?" Yukiko blinked, snatching the rule book. "Friendly fire is enabled!?"

Everyone promptly facepalmed at that very moment. Minoru - quite audibly - sighed in exasperation.

"Yukiko," Minoru began gently. "D&D is _not_ a video game. Baldur's Gate was, but while that was based on D &D, it was not D&D _itself."_

"Quite simply," Dojima continued as he rubbed his forehead. "This is, in part, a _war sim._ How many times has friendly fire been stopped, in real life, because the main character flipped an options menu?"

"...oh." Yukiko blushed furiously. "That was... quite dumb."

"Good," Chie said, a little less furious - emphasis on  _little_. "Don't do it again."

"In any case," Yukiko continued, "it can't dematerialize enough to not telefrag itself when phasing through things, right? So, it can't escape anymore if the pile is too big to go around, or there's a hollow crevice it can hide in."

Dojima's eyes shot up. "...bad execution, but I'll allow that."

* * *

For ineffable reasons that involve newbie mercy, divine intervention and player incompetence, the extra damage vanished into an alternate universe.

"Um..."

Freedom is overcome with... inexplicable wild magic pains that forced her to cast, because throwing flamethrowers at her girlfriend is not exactly in character for her.

"Ohcrapohcrapohcrap!" Berylla plays a quick song on her trumpet that unleashes a healing spell on Matrona, likely saving her life.

The specter keeps moving-only to stop when it recognizes its way out is suddenly on fire.

Lugus smirks audaciously. "Not so fast now, huh?" He hits the burning ectoplasm with a strong strike as Donamir attacks it with a heavy blow from his axe.

An arrow from Syltris finishes the job. A strangely red set of ectoplasm comes out of its heat as the specter disintegrates...

Laughing?

It points at the skies behind it. You see a set of Floating Lights, poisonous green and ice blue, twinkling in the sky to form a rune. Religion check to recognize it-and that goes to Syltris.

"That," the elf begins, blinking. _"That's_ the symbol of Orcus."

You suddenly hear a great sound, somewhere between a thunderclap, tearing fabric, and a lock's tumbler being turned. The world goes white with gravedust and snow.

When it clears, there's something there that wasn't before. Such as the giant marble pillars decorated with scenes of death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boyd: Oh boy... things are getting interesting already!  
> Leliel: Indeed they are. I'm definitely excited to see where we go from here. In any case, stay tuned for the next update!


	4. Land of Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lugus and co. wind up in a land of silence and death... Thanatos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boyd: Well, I'd say an update's nice and dandy!  
> Leliel: Indeed. Either way, here's hoping fire pains doesn't overcome Freedom this time.

The first thing that occurs to you about the pillars is 'tall'. There has to be about thirty of them, congregated together like morbid spines on a granite porcupine. You can't make out the exact designs, but this is due to their distance from you rather than the size of the designs - lovingly decorated on them is scenes of roiling skulls, corpses, and destruction, even from this distance. Each pillar seems dedicated to a particular scene of a tortuous end for one or more people.

They're taller than any structure you've ever seen before, except maybe lighthouses. Slowly, you start to realize the pillars aren't the only things there. Just one of a few things. There's the ground for one - sterile and grey, as far as the eye can see. The sky is overcast and black, with barely twinkling stars that seem to struggle to shine. The moon, at least, is bright-too bright. Slowly, you notice it's providing almost as much light as the day at evening. And as you smell the air, you detect something musty-mold, like in an ancient mausoleum.

"...aw, Baator," Donamir grumbled, shaking himself off. "It's gonna be one of  _those_ jobs, ain't it?"

"Well..." Lugus began flatly, stroking his chin. "...Syltris. On the off chance that we are still in Aber-Toril, idea where we are?"

DC 50 on a nature roll. Not a natural 20 so... she doesn't. Apart from knowing, this place resembles nothing she's ever been to before. In fact, she doubts that this is an environment she knew even _existed_.

Glancing back at Lugus, the blue-haired elf shrugs at Lugus. He then proceeds to sigh to himself, rubbing his temple.

"Well,  _this_ is just rich..." Lugus cursed in Gnomish for a moment. "And is there even a way back from where we came from?"

Lugus was ready to grumble some more, but a small, familiar figure hugging his leg quelled any worries that may have been present. Lugus simply smiled at his halfling girlfriend.

"Well, we aren't dead!" Berylla said, attempting to be cheerful. "And my trumpet's virtually unscathed, so at least I can still cast spells!"

Lugus would've chuckled at his girlfriend's loving enthusiasm, but instead he felt a powerful migraine sweep over him. Suddenly, Lugus - and, to extent, the party - all started to feel fatigued. It's not something acute enough for game effects, but you get the sense that your energy is being drained from the ground. Like the blackened, dead soil itself is trying to drink you through a straw.

...

...and Yukiko just burst into a laughing fit for no apparent reason.

"B-But it was so... so - pfft! Ahahahahahaha!"

...yeah, I really couldn't think of any better way to describe it. Anyway...

That's when Matrona senses something. A _lot_ of said something. Under normal circumstances, it would require meditation on her gods-granted senses, but the fact that she can sense it gives some insidious clue of this place. And right now? Right now it's amplified to _extreme_ levels, impossible to miss even from the divine equivalent of peripheral vision.

"Okay, I meditate on it - "

Undead. Lots of undead.

Hundreds of undead. No, over a _thousand_  of them. Most are fairly weak signals, more impulses of negative energy forced into animation rather than actual entities, but there has to be twenty strong pulses that indicate more mighty beasts. Matrona shuddered to herself upon sensing the especially powerful evil from those mighty beasts, and her instincts told her immediately to stay away from those things  _as much as possible._

Matrona turns white as a sheet, her face slightly dreading. "We've gotta get out of here. _Now."_

"...huh?" Freedom whips around to face her girlfriend. "Is there something wrong, Matrona?"

"This place - this  _air_ \- it's all undead country." The human paladin spoke with grimness. "They're infesting _everywhere._ Wherever we've just landed into, it was eaten by the walking dead  _forever_ ago."

There's a brief pause while everyone processes that. Syltris, nearly as pale as the ground, "calmly" starts looking for any way out.

She doesn't need to though - Matrona realizes there's a strange gap in undead 'pings' towards the pillars.

"This way! It's slightly less of a ghostly apocalypse this route!" And Matrona marches off, as quickly as she can. The party, knowing full well that she's the resident undead sniffer, did not hesitate in following her.

"...w-wait just a moment."

* * *

Minoru and co. turned to Chie, who looked unusually pale underneath her green sweater. Which was saying something, given it was unusually warm for an April evening.

"Is, uh..." Dojima cocked an eyebrow, slightly concerned for the tomboy. "...is something wrong, Satonaka?"

"Th-This, isn't..." Chie croaked dreadingly. "This isn't a  _horror_ game, right?"

"Huh?! It's a _horror_ _campaign?!"_ Contrary to her girlfriend, Yukiko suddenly looked incredibly happy. "Oh, yes! That's sounds amazing, Dojima-san!"

"Aaaugh, _c'mon Yukiko!"_ Chie wails indignantly. "I definitely do  _not_ want to be on the end of a Call of Cthulhu Keeper here!"

"But... why? This is a completely different game!" Yukiko looked more than a little confused. "In Dungeons and Dragons, you have a much better chance of slaying gods while in Call of Cthulhu, you - "

"Erhm, if I may interject Amagi..." Dojima cleared her throat. "This is a fantasy game. There's going to be macabre themes to it, but I'm not actively trying to  _scare_ you all."

Chie bit her lip and pouted to herself, wringing her hands all the while. "You're not lying... are you?"

"Chie, just ask Naoto about the music track I have selected," Dojima chuckled. "If I was actively attempting to scare you, I would have less Fire Emblem, the Legend of Zelda and Elder Scrolls and more actual horror titles."

The horror-allergic tomboy simply looked pleadingly at the Detective Prince. Naoto, slightly flustered from being put on the spot, simply cleared her throat.

"Um... yes." Naoto confirms in an unusually quiet tone, even by her standards. "I can confirm that from what tracks Dojima has requested that I'd obtain, the theme of this story is more in tune with a dark fantasy epic than an actual horror setting."

Chie turned to Yukiko, still looking rather worried, and the innmaiden squeezed her girlfriend's hand gently.

"Don't worry, Chie," Yukiko smiled kindly. "I'm with you, alright?"

Chie took a moment to pause and gaze into Yukiko's beautiful eyes, take a deep breath in, and breathe it out. She smiled at her girlfriend and nodded.

"Um... okay," Chie nodded. "I-I trust you, Yukiko."

"And quite honestly, there's going to be some aspects down the line that you'll find funny, Yukiko-chan." Minoru smiled at his friend. "Nanako told be about that one-shot Dojima made for her. I'm sure you'll get a good laugh, or my name isn't Minoru Sakamoto - it'd be Yu Narukami!"

Meanwhile, in an alternate universe, an individual with a similar appearance and that very name sneezed loudly.

* * *

Well said, Minoru. Now, may I continue, Satonaka?

"Y-Yeah... sorry about my panic attack there. Thanks, leader."

"No problem, buddy."

Great to see things have been resolved. Anyway, as you stalk through the blasted land, you start to notice certain things. The first thing, though, is the absolute  _silence._ About the only thing you normally hear is your own footsteps. Not even the chirping of insects or the blowing of wind.

Actually, that's another thing. The air here is completely still and stagnant. There isn't even that many smells. The lack of plant life really isn't that surprising in this wasteland  - you swore you saw an albino, hardy bush a while back - but there isn't even rot. Just that dusty, old smell of death that has long passed in this dreary, lifeless wasteland.

Eventually, you spy something in the distance - an enormous, animate corpse of what was possibly once an Ogre. It lumbers on, completely oblivious to you as it's exposed rib-cage and mummified muscle drips of crimson ichor and organic, rotten gunk.

"Let's  _keep_ it that way, shall we!?" Matrona says, a bit desperately.

A bit after that is when you find the tent. It's been long abandoned, of course; even from a distance, you can tell this thing has had nobody, living or otherwise, use it in a long time. From the holes in the sides to the hurriedly snuffed out fire, there's not a single trace of life to haunt this ghostly area.

It's when you get close you notice what it's made of: thatched bone. Thatched bone is what holds it up, four femurs tying the corners of it down, and two spines linked together by dark leather holds up the canopy.

In fact, on closer examination, you notice the leather looks... familiar. DC 12 Nature - or whatever governs sentient beings - to identify.

"Freedom gets it."

With a lurch, you realize it's your own kind holding it up. The red leather, slightly twisted and wart-like in some places; it's tiefling skin. One with a bloodline more linked to the Abyss then your own, but definitely skinned and sewn together.

...

...and Yukiko started to laugh hysterically.  _Again._

* * *

As Dojima's annoyance became obvious in his voice, Chie looked at her girlfriend, still shocked. "Yukiko! It's your own _race_ being used as camping supplies!"

"Hee... t-that's out of c-character, it's just that the tiefling - _snrk_ -  _camping_ tent..." Yukiko choked on her own laughter."C-Careful with that  _edge_ Dojima, you might cut yourself! HAHAHAHAAA!"

The DM grinned sheepishly. "It's from a module. Even I'm not that cheesy at times."

Ayane immediately rose an eyebrow. "Let me guess, published 1990s?"

"...97."

 _"Called it!"_ This sent Yukiko laughing even harder.

 _"I_ don't see what's the humorous matter here!" Naoto said, looking a bit paler than before. "We've obviously walked into a dangerous scenario, and we _need_ to assess potential dangers at once!"

"Well, if that's the worst they can throw at us, I request the right to not roll any fear resistance saves!" Yukiko said, still grinning broadly with laughter. "Just ask Chie about her whipmarks; leather gear and chains holds no fear for her!"

The reign of Utter Silence the First, Monarch of the Dojima Household's Social Scene, was one of the shortest of its noble lineage. The circumstances of Utter Silence the First's disposing would be a puzzle to historians for decades to come, given how the remorseless assassin of its kin was, for once, not preparing to laugh her rear off, but most modern investigators actually trace its death to, precisely thirty seconds later of Yukiko's mind catching up with her mouth later. As Yukiko's face contorted to utter, embarrassed _horror_ over what she just said, Naoto's brain fully comprehending what had just transpired.

"U-Um, whipmarks...?!" The detective said, mouth slowly stating to work again. "S-Sorry?!"

"Augh! U-Um, er, _whip bruises!?"_ Chie squealed after stuttering in panic, nearly as red as her lover's dress - and not coincidentally, her lover. "S-She meant, er, uh,  _hip_ bruises! Yes, _hip!_ Nothing to do with leather at all, nope, really more rubber - " Somehow, her eyes widened more. _"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh_ , not rubber! Wires! Yeah, I fell into a bunch of barbed wire fences and it _somehow_ didn't break the skin!"

"Yeah, you should really get someone to help you with those," Kanji said, cheerfully oblivious. "There's a reason I offered to help with that coil."

It took a second more for everyone to junction this new info to certain revealed aspects of Chie and Yukiko's relationship.

 _"CANWEGETBACKTOTHEGAMEALREADY!?"_ Chie nearly screamed, seemingly attempting to hide inside her vest.

Ayane passed Minoru a note.  _How does that even work? Ask later._

* * *

Um, anyways... after soberly assessing the very non-humorous situation-

"Yes, the humerus is a nerve."

...thank you, Amagi. You bounce back quickly.

"It happens."

Ahem, the serious situation, Freedom stumbles back a bit, extremely queasy.

"T-They skin people..." she murmurs. "They skin people for leather here."

Ever logical, Syltris narrows her eyes. "It's out of spite. The kind of person who does this isn't looking for clothing or material. It's meant to display utter contempt for the former owners of this skin. Humanoid leather just _isn't_  good for actual use as construction and clothing."

Berylla simply turned a bit pale, both out of horror and disgust. "H-How and why do you _know_ these things?"

"Orcs can be  _real_ nasty," Donamir simply shook his head, his response being incredibly grave. "If they're not burnin' or pillagin' everything they see, they're likely makin' an example of those who resist. For a bunch of dumb-as-bricks savages, they have a _really_ good understandin' of frightening your enemies."

Berylla took a moment to process this grave information, and felt shudders run up and down her spine. Lugus, as calm as ever, simply shook his head and sighed.

"Still, it really shows what some undead can be like," Lugus sighed to himself. "Having a contempt for all life as it is... with all the mindless thralls you'd find with necromancers, it's easy to forget that some undead can be sapient - and _dangerous_ \- as well."

Syltris simply nodded grimly, only then for her ears to twitch. She then hears some voices, the first voices she heard in this desolate wasteland.

"YO' MAMA IS SO RACIST AND DUMB, SHE HAD TO GO TO THE _HOSPITAL_ AFTER SHE THOUGHT SHE COULD GET INTO AN ELF CONVENTION BY TAKING A KNIFETO HER  _EAR!"_

As Syltris winced painfully upon hearing that extremely insulting remark, an uproarious laughter echoed from the path ahead. At least, you _think_ it's laughter. It sounds more like a staccato wheezing contest.

"Three le'ds on 'insults brains!'"

...

"YOUR PARENTS TOOK YOU TO A DOG SHOW - CONGRATS, _YOU WON!"_

Laughter, and exaggerated groaning from the voice before.

Lugus silently glanced at his companions, then spoke in a hushed whisper. "Follow me. And  _quiet."_

Slowly, as the six guards followed down the path way, a dust cloud that was that there before wafts away to reveal three humanoid figures hunching over something between them. Three unnaturally skinny figures. _Skeletal_ figures.

"Five le'ds he does another mothe' joke!" the far right one says, wheezing out through lipless teeth.

"And th's has noth'ng to do w'th the fact you knew th' guy, Zariz?" the center one says.

"Nah! I'm the on' who ripp' it out!" The three howl with laughter again.

DC 15 Religion check... yep, Lugus got it, along with Matrona and Syltris.

You can recognize animated skeletons anywhere, but you've heard rumors of the Cult of Orcus experimenting with new undead types. One of these would be a breed of intelligent skeleton - not any stronger than normal animated troops, but capable of autonomy. Of course, they're still fundamentally malevolent monsters made of unnaturally twisted negative energy, but they're capable soldiers and don't count against the amount of undead a single necromancer can control at one time.

You can't really see what they're doing though. Gambling, certainly, but not on what.

Lugus holds up a hand, his voice still in a whisper. "They don't seem to be aware of us. Freedom, if I remember my sorcery right, you can cast that vortex of flames again, right? Matrona's still injured, so I think it's okay to bend the code of honor this time?"

"I don't mind at all!" Matrona exclaims, sticking herself directly  _behind_ Freedom.

The tiefling inhales, drawing deep of the power in herself. "Donamir, after the flames clear, rush in and hit them with the side of your axe."

Donamir gave a cocky smile, and drew his great axe from his back. And just like that, Freedom rushes in, hopefully getting the skeletons in range before releasing her Burning Hands.

"Hey, do ya hea'-"

The Hands immediately coat the gamblers in a sea of flames. 10, 17, and a critical hit for 27 damage, evoking an unearthly, ghastly _squeals_ of pain from the far right skeleton as it's burnt to ash from the attack.

Donamir rushes in - as fast as a dwarf can, anyhow - and slams his axe over the skull of the far left skeleton. Only 7 damage because it's kind of awkward to wield it that way, but skeletons are vulnerable to bludgeoning damage; another 14 damage makes the unlucky skeleton's skull shatters into myriads of pieces.

"Backwash!" the remaining one exclaims, drawing a rusty old sword. "What're you - "

...and Lugus, being the dashing swordmaster he is, wins initiative, rushing in to cut its head straight off with 6 damage.

"HEY TIN HAIR! NICE WORK WITH THE TOOTHPICK!"

Lugus eyes' light up as he suddenly glances down to the game board they were using. It looks sort of like a roulette wheel, but with words divided into five categories: Mother, Stupidity, Incompetence, Appearance, and Cowardice. There's several large cups instead of many smaller ones, and instead of a ball, there seems to be a six-sided die.

More importantly, in place of a handle, there's a wiggling dry grey-pink tongue extending out of sharp, clean white teeth that promptly animate again. "HEY PALLY! NICE ARMOR-WHAT THRIFT STORE YOU'D BUY IT FROM?"

"U-Um... sure." Matrona blinks, too confused to be offended. "Freedom, what  _is_ this thing?!"

"I have no idea, but it's so cute!" Freedom says eagerly. "Can we keep it!?  _Can we?!"_

"YOU SHOULD TELL _ME,_ LITTLE MISS LILIM!  _I'M_ NOT THE ONE WHO WAS ADOPTED FROM THE CHILDREN'S ORPHANAGE OF FREAK-ASS PYROMANIACS!"

"What the...  _hey!"_ As Freedom looked more than a little offended.

"Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay, so we have a snarky evil roulette wheel," Berylla says, staring at the bizarre sight in front of her. "...what hallucinogens were involved in the making of you?"

The tongue suddenly shoves the die over to the "Stupidity" cup.

"YOU TELL _ME,_ GRASSBRAIN!" the strange macabre board replies. "YOU'RE THE LIVING WHO THOUGHT TO GO INTO _THANATOS!"_

DC 4 Religion check. Yes, it's that infamous. As everyone made it, I can say you are in the personal domain of Orcus, Demon Prince of the Undead, floating within the Abyss.

"...wait,  _Thanatos!?_ " Syltris all but shrieks. 

"WE  _ARE_ IN A HORROR GAME!"

* * *

Dojima sighs, annoyance once again persisting in his voice. "No, you aren't, Chie. Believe me, I wouldn't be ramping up this fast even if you were taking a tour in Ravenloft or something. Spoilers: you can consider this like this campaign's version of the TV world you told me about."

The tension immediately dissipates, Chie stopping her hands mid-wring. "Wait. Really?"

"Yeah," Dojima nods. "You'll be visiting Thanatos multiple times, for reasons that will later be revealed."

"...huh." Ayane begins. "Sounds... like a _really_ morbid place for a bright and happy fantasy setting." She turns to Minoru. "Remind me of this next time I talk you into a Mage game. I have a chronicle idea."

Minoru nodded, looking thoughtful. "Sounds good."

Dojima cleared his throat. "Ahem. Now that that's out of the way...."

* * *

 "YA DON'T SAY! I THOUGHT WE WERE IN MAZTICA!"

"So," Donamir begins flatly. "We're in the middle of the home of one of the worst demon lords in the universe, we have _no idea_ how we got here, and the most helpful thing we've encountered is this screed-in-a-wheel? I shoulda brought my spare tankard..."

The tongue moves the die to 'Appearance'. "BACKWASH DRINKING BACKWASH! AND _I'M_ THE CANNIBAL!?" 

"...hang on." Lugus raises a hand. "Backwash? That's an odd descriptor for the living. What do you mean?"

Die to 'Incompetence.' "BECAUSE YA'LL WERE DRAWN HERE WHEN THE GATE BUSTED OPEN! CAN'T EVEN BREAK FREE OF A VACUUM!"

Syltris manages to calm herself. "Gate? What gate?"

"...WHAT GATE?" The die is carefully placed between 'Incompetence' and 'Stupidity.' _"WHAT GATE!?_ HEY, _KNIFE-_ _EARS_ , MAYBE _YOU_ SHOULD RELY ON YOUR EYES MORE BEFORE YOU WALK INTO AN OWLBEAR!" The tongue is jabbed rudely at the pillars.

"Wait - _that's_ a  _portal_ _!?_ " Berylla asks, as the die moves between 'Mother' and 'Stupidity.'

"AND POINT TO SHORTSTOP FOR THE BLEEDING OBVIOUS!" The skeletal head spat out. "MAYBE WHEN WE EAT YOUR MOM THE BRAIN'LL NEED TO BE CHEWED!"

The slow realization of what the wheel is implying sinks in.

"...Thanatos is invading the Material Plane," Freedom says in a monotone.

* * *

Chie threw up her hands. "Oh, sure, we have a zombie apocalypse with freaking demon gods backing it up, but nope, _this isn't a horror game!_ "

Dojima sighed. "Fine. It won't be forever, but it has horror elements for now. Will you be happy if you can kick the zombies' heads off?"

Chie's objections were withdrawn immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who are curious, here's the character sheets. **Beware spoilers: these are max level sheets.**
> 
> https://www.dropbox.com/sh/5qxvljyfs8k8k7y/AAB1zKZTgAiii62m5Iwu14GNa?dl=0
> 
> Anyway, see you next time!


	5. Out of the Open Grave...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Lugus and co. ends up finding out, discretion is the better part of valor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leliel: Um, wow, this took a while. I blame school and another fic we are planning.  
> Boyd: Well, we still got it done at least... best get it up sooner than later!

"S-So... undead demon invasion of the living."

Freedom muttered this to herself in a half-hearted attempt to present a sense of normalcy into this bizarre - but no less life-threatening - situation. The group fell into a dark silence, one that was interrupted by a  _very_ anxious Matrona trembling in her armor. Thanks to her Paladin training, however, Matrona found the ability to channel her fear into anger, proceeding to kick the table in order to vent her frustration.

"Augh! _Great! This is just great!"_ The brunette Paladin cried angrily to nobody in particular.  _"Gods,_  did it have to be _today_ of all days that the forces of the Abyss decide to strike?! And  _why can't I cut my teeth on an orc invasion!?"_

The head spared no expense in insulting Matrona. "AWW, LOOK AT THE WEENIE PALLY! SCARED OF A FEW - "

Freedom, finally sick of the board insulting her girlfriend, snaps her fingers. The board catches fire, with 16 damage and a scream of undeath incinerating what was left of the crass, sentient gambling device.

...by the way, thanks Yukiko. Screaming in that voice was _really_ starting to hurt my throat.

"You're welcome!"

Lugus shook his head, rubbing his temple. "Alright, now that we've got the peanut gallery out of the way, there's an _invasion of the dead and the damned going under way._ This... is a problem, and something I did _not_ sign up for."

"It's more than just a problem," Syltris mused grimly, sighing to herself. "Not only are the undead involved in this mess, but  _demons_ too. I have the feeling that this is the kind of plan that was in the making for a  _long_ time."

Berylla felt visibly tense. "Well, regardless of the circumstances, we won't be able to do anything good for Saradush if we sit around twiddling our thumbs. So let's try to find a way out!"

"I second that plan," Donamir gave a cheeky grin. "Besides, maybe we can bust a few skeleton skulls on th' way."

Freedom paused for a moment, before running her black hair a bit with her hands. "Well, we should probably get a move on. This place isn't good for anybody's dreams."

Matrona gave a dreading croak in the background.

Anyway, the group proceeded to head back the way they came, careful in avoiding any undead that might prove to be a threat. To this end, the party -

* * *

 _"Dojima,_ " Naoto said, obviously a little peeved.

The detective blinked and adjusted his wizard hat. "...um, yes?"

"You're not taking control from us now, are you?"

The Dungeon Master paused for a moment before shrugging to himself. "Believe me, I will be erring in your favor a lot. Consider it a cutscene mode."

Suddenly, Ayane immediately tensed up, panic rising in her voice. _"C-Cutscene mode!?"_

"Um... yes?" Dojima says, more than a bit confused.

Ayane quickly went pale. _"ARE THERE ANY HIGHLY POWERED NPCS WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL!?"_

Dojima stared stupidly at Ayane, who at this point was trembling like a leaf. "Um... no?"

Silence went on for a brief moment, before a relieved Ayane sinks back into her seat.

"Oh. Okay." Ayane immediately turned red at her sudden outburst. "S-Sorry about that, Dojima-san."

Everyone was still  _quite_ surprised, though - most notably Yukiko, who looked as if she was trying to control her laughter. "W-Wait - _snrk_ \- why did she - "

"She's an avid World of Darkness fan," Minoru sighed. "That's... all I'm gonna say on the matter."

Awkward silence persisted for a few more terse moments, before Dojima calmly tipped his hat.

"Now," Dojima sighed. "Presuming there's going to be no more objections, let us continue."

* * *

Much to the relief of the party, Orcus' forces were all mustering their forces near the portal. There's very little undead on the way out; you see more than a handful of giant zombies off in the distance, lumbering slowly towards the gate with an eerie sense of dread accompanying their grotesque appearances. They thankfully don't take notice to you, for though they may be slow, lumbering beasts, they look more than capable of terminating an entire group of adventurers.

The only thing more nerve-wracking than the zombie giants appear to be the cackle and howl of demons of all shapes and kinds: balors, yugoloths, blood fiends and more occasionally made up as an elite soldier amongst a sea of undead, their distinctive roars and auras of pure evil providing some distraction from the mindless moans of the ravenous undead.

"...is  _this_ why ya put us on auto-pilot mode, Dojima-san?"

More or less, Kanji. And given their stats from the book, you should be  _thankful_ you're on auto-pilot.

"But Uncle, isn't the whole point of a game to give the players an opportunity to find their own solutions to the proble - "

_I'mafraidIcan'thearyouoverthesoundsoftheravenousundeadandroaringdemonsMOVINGON!_

...anyway, the landscape does become less of a flat, featureless wasteland as you get closer. More and more, you see instances of what appears to be features of the landscape that speak more and more to Thanatos' nature as a land of the dead. Dead, blackened trees stick out like spears, or perhaps pikes, looming over the landscape like tyrants surveying their domain. Mausoleums that are shaped more like castles dot the land, broken from the inside-out as their tenants muster for the end. A group of tombstones are scattered about to and fro, with no real organization.

No intellectual organization, anyway. You notice that, universally, there's a crack in the earth under all of them, as if they were thrust out of the ground. DC 15 Religion check to know why?

...

"...aaaaaaaaaaand congrats, Berylla."

"Thanks! ...though I do wish we were doing more than sitting on our behinds."

"Orcus doesn't care about most of his domain," Berylla says, kicking at a large gap which doesn't quite meet its mausoleum. "There is nothing here that he can permanently destroy or render sterile, not without injuring his own long-term efforts. So he doesn't waste his divine energy maintaining many features against the entropy and tender mercies of demons until there is something he feels is worth noting nearby."

She nods to the rest of the group. "We're getting close. Hang in there, alright? We're almost back to the land of the living."

"That's a small comfort," Syltris replied in equal volume of grimness and snark. "We're likely within their patrol radius. Keep an eye out for any signs of activity."

No sooner than she says this, you hear the distinct sound of marching - something far too organized for the chaos of undead and demons.

"Hee-YAH! Hee-YAH!"

Between the marching noises, you can make out _something._ A voice? Certainly not a human one - it almost sounds like a ghastly echo without an original sound to reflect.

Lugus motions the party wordlessly to hide in any available cover - which, in this instance, is a collection of empty shrines, skull-faced sepultures with a yawning, grinning, skeletal mouth for a gate - and all members rush behind one.

"...you damned, incompetent  _fools!_  I nary certain of which would shame me more - poor magic or poor materials?!"

Coming around the field of erupted shrines, a large contingent of decaying troops - in both senses of the word - marches forth, thundering as their smaller apparent commanders shout the chant. The voice seems to be coming from directly to their side.

"But my lord, we - "

 _"No excuses!"_ The rasp punctuated this with something striking the ground, and a flash of light. The smell of burned bone wafts over to you.

"...um, question. Any analogies for the smell?

Wet, smelly Orc-farts.

"Snrk... pffft! Ahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahaha!"

"Wha -  _Yukiko!_ C'mon, I was just asking!"

"N-Not you! The question was just so... so...! Pfft! Hahahahahahha! W-Wet, smelly - ahahahah! Oh, that's  _awesome! Hahahahahaha!"_

"Ugh... c'mon, Yukiko, I never thought your sense of humor was  _that_ juvenile..."

To be fair to your girlfriend Chie, a.) Yukiko finds almost  _anything_ funny, and b.) the mental image of fratboy Orcs farting it out in a sports team locker room _is_ a funny image.

_"Ewwwwwwww! C'mon, Dojima!"_

_"THAT'S EVEN BETTER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"_

...well, as it seems that Yukiko has been incapacitated with her own cackling, I'll just continue onwards. There is the distinct sound of something being crunched underfoot. As the owner of the rasp rounds the corner, you can see that the ground beneath him has turned to glass.

Speaking of the owner -  _oh dear sweet Selune that's a lich._

* * *

"...Dojima."

As Yukiko's uncontrollable laughter continued to echo the room, the detective adjusted his hat a bit and glanced over at Ayane.

"Yes, Matsunaga?" Dojima starts, flatly.

"Um, yes, isn't this a bit..." She chews on her lip for a second. "Presumptive?"

Dojima was more than a bit confused. "Huh?"

"I mean, yes, liches are infamous and well-known to be dark wizards who traded their souls and all, and we have a skeleton who is obviously a figure of great arcane power, so anyone could guess..." Ayane continued. "But why are you narrating our emotional responses?"

Dojima rose an eyebrow. "Um... wouldn't that be the normal reaction?"

"Yes, but still, it's kind of a railroad." Minoru piped in. "I mean, among cultures, there's going to be a lot of variation for what a mage looks like, and that's going to drastically effect what people of different cultures think of when they think 'lich.' While we're at it, Selune is not an obscure goddess, but why would a dwarf, who's culture really doesn't involve the moon - "

"Enough, I get it. Take two." Dojima rubbed his head.  _"And Amagi, can you stop it with your damn cackling!"_

 _"Heeheehee..."_ Yukiko finally calmed down. "S-Sorry. Wet orc farts, though...  _snrk."_

"You're so  _hopeless."_ Chie, more than embarrassed, felt her head collapse into her own hands.

* * *

Slowly, the owner of the rasp walks into view, crunching the new glass beneath him. 

The first thing that strikes you about him is his robes. They speak of a regal or noble background, or at least someone who thinks of himself as such. Of course, those robes are massively decayed, but you get the sense he may have ripped them deliberately to appear like a necromancer of great power and age.

"Do they smell bad like the - "

Amagi,  _no._

"Snrk... sorry."

In any case, the robes are extremely intricate and ornamented-even somewhat gaudy. They'd have to be, otherwise you'd notice he had no flesh. Nothing but bleached white bones and a pair of burning blue spheres of fire for eyes.

"But Lord Olzi - "

 _"ENOUGH!"_ The robed skeleton snaps his fingers, and the speaker, a tall, gaunt creature that may have been a man at some point, erupts in flames. "If I wished to deal with simpering yes-men, I'd take an apprentice! For those of you with some dim reminder of intelligence in those rotted heads, let that be an example: When Duke Olzi of the Yawning Maw - "

* * *

Ayane sighs, clearly bored out of her mind.

"Huh?" Dojima blinks. "I-Is there something wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing." She smiles politely. "Nothing that can be helped."

Somewhat desperately, he looks at his nephew, who shrugs. 

"She's used to Ai's villains," he replies. "She... really goes all out. But he's fine!"

Dojima, looking mildly perturbed, goes back to his notes. 

* * *

"-of the Yawning Maw wishes discipline in the march,  _use discipline in the march!_ Not whine to him about all the reasons he cannot have it! Let's  _move!_ "

And with that, he leads his forces off to a flickering green in the distance, apparently oblivious to all but his goal.

"...this may seem obvious, but I'm guessin' that's the way to Faerun," Donamir says.

You don't even have to roll to know that, it's intuitive.

And since I want you rested well for this upcoming dungeon, for some reason while you see Orcus' mustering forces, they are too busy training or (more likely) indulging in light infighting in the distance to notice you.

And eventually, you find the gate to the living world, surrounded on all sides by the tall pillars-all placed, it seems, slightly different so that none is even with any other.

"Huh?"

I mean they've been arranged in a circle, but deliberately not one that forms a straight line.

"...okay, why the hell he'd do  _that?_ "

 _Chaotic_ Evil. It's the whole "disorder" thing.

"Ahh, okay."

Strangely, it does not seem that well-defended. But then again, you also notice a large contingent of undead in the distance, and may not have time to inspect it for traps.

...by which I mean there isn't any, and I want to keep this plot moving. So... please?

"Okay, uncle."

Lugus groans, and nods at his comrades before diving through.

The others follow - though not before Syltris checks, just to make sure.

You are greeted by the sounds of war. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going haywire!


	6. And Into The Pyre

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, fall term is over!
> 
> Now...to actually work on this...

The city has probably seen worse days, but you suspect that those kind of days tend to be the kind of thing that precedes  _rebuilding_ the city. As it is, "everything is on fire" seems to be a good description of what is currently happening. Perhaps a bit exaggerated, but there is a distinct excess of large amounts of fire. And also, going by the shambling undead legion, also being invaded by Thanatos. That probably isn't surprising. What is surprising is that they are also on fire. Actually, no, they appear to be what's spreading the fire. By being on fire.

...Amagi, is there a reason you're taking notes?  
  
"You... don't know her very well, do you uncle?"  
  
...remind me never to tell her where the accelerants are.

In any case, where there is not fire, there is fighting. Unless it's on the undead wicks, in which case the living are trying their best to get them without being set on fire themselves. A lot of crossbows are involved, as is minor magics.  
  
Lugus sighs. "The world is always in danger it seems. Time to - "  
  
A large wave of water demolishes a significant portion of the undead wicks, causing them to instantly go out. You're not sure if it's because the fire is part of their animating force or because the impact finally overcame the unclean magic, but the horde slumps over. You hear galloping.

Coming into view is a trio of people in simple wizard's robes breathing heavily, lead by a guard on horseback. "You! You there! We need - oh." He notices your injured condition. And where you just came from.

He blows a whistle. One of the wizards groans and throws out an arcane-looking clockwork. There's a flash of light-

You are now in what looks like a makeshift hospital.

"Um, isn't that a bit high-level for this - "

It is, but you'll see. Hehheheh.

...

What?

"Uncle, please never evil laugh again. It doesn't suit you."

Wow, I'm out of practice.

* * *

The area, you've noticed, was once an inn. A pretty fancy one at that, going by the varnish on the furniture.

"Um, would varnish be - "  
  
It's high fantasy, they've probably realized how to preserve woodwork against mold via alchemy. It's just not that common.

"...carry on."

Sadly, a lot of the innkeeper's aesthetics seem to have been ruined by the wounded, dying, and dead every few feet, laid out somewhat haphazardly on clean white sheets despoiled by red blood, black ash, and in a couple cases, something green. Going by the white-robed clerics and elderly medics -

"Um."  
  
Yes, Matsunaga? 

"Er, wouldn't the sheets be cleaned as soon as they were soiled? If magic's advanced enough to develop commercial protection of furniture, however expensive, it makes sense that there would be a cleaning/sterilization spell developed to allow more efficient mundane healing that uses less-"  
  
Have you ever heard of a setting called Eberron?  
  
"No?"  
  
You'd really like it.

Anyway, the new-seeming mages are trying their best to keep the sheets clean and sterile, but it's quite clear from the exhausted, drained looks they have that the jobs are piling up faster than they can do them; from the white-robed clerics and elderly medics going up and down the stairs, this is far from the only room occupied by the war-scarred.

One medic finally notices you after about five seconds, raising a whistle to her lips - then putting it down when she sees you're standing without great difficulty. She nods, and points at a man in a fine but utilitarian robe who seems to be directing people around.

"And floor 3 needs outright scouring to remove bubonic fleas, the Cult released a few diseased rats in the opening assault, we can't have an infestation - ah." He turns to you, revealing a pair of small but noticeable horns and metallic red-grey eyes. "You must be some of the mercenaries we sent for. First of all, welcome, I am often called Focus, second - "  
  
Syltris clears her throat. "If we are concerned about fleas, is there certain precautions that need to be taken with Fangs? He is a potential habitat for the fleas, after all, and-"  
  
Fangs?

* * *

Naoto blinks, her expression locked in a mixture of confusion and surprise. _"Excuse me?"_  
  
Dojima scratches the back of his head rather awkwardly. "Err, I don't recall a Fangs... was that a nickname for - "  
  
Naoto's tone of voice suddenly became a lot more steely. "The _wolf?"_  
  
It took a second before Dojima recalls a certain class feature of Syltris and hits his forehead. "...riiiiiiiiiight,  _that_ Fangs. Sorry, I, uh...  _kinda_ forgot he existed."  
  
It was at that moment Naoto's forehead smashed into the table, the Detective Prince releasing an anguished cry.  _"HOW IN THE NAME OF GOD DO YOU FORGET A CORE FEATURE OF A CLASS?!"_  
  
As the rest of the party turned to Dojima, Minoru crossed his arms and shook his head at his uncle. Dojima cleared his throat rather awkwardly.

"Err... well..." Dojima scrambled for a response before smiling sheepishly. "You... didn't use him that much...?"

There was a brief pause before Naoto blushed and hits herself on the forehead. "I  _knew_ I was not using the full breadth of my character's capacity."  
  
Dojima looked glum. "This really isn't going the way I expected it."  
  
"If that was self-consciousness, forget it," Yukiko says with a broad smile. "My only regret is that I didn't bring popcorn."

* * *

Upon seeing the abnormally well-behaved and suprisingly stealthy wolf-don't start, Amagi-Focus nods. "Excellent point, thankfully several individuals here have animal companions, we can simply include him in the normal warding in, oh, twenty minutes? That's how long it takes-" A young woman in earthen robes whispers something to Focus. "Ah yes, that's the prep time needed for the ritual."  
  
"Secondly, while I would love to discuss payment, can it wait? We've been having a perpetual state of emergency for the past fortnight, and I have enough problem budgeting materials for rituals as is, so-"  
  
"Whoa whoa whoa,  _fortnight!?_ " Matrona frantically makes a time-out signal. "We were in Thanatos for a couple hours at most!"  
  
Focus takes a second to process this, and winces. "Why do I always get the strange crises-Alright." He holds up his hands, inhaling to steel himself. "What is the most recent thing that happened in your recollection?"  
  
"The wedding?" Lugus begins, already dreading the answer.   
  
"...Well, congrats, you're the first ones that are eyewitnesses," Focus says, more to himself than anything. "You may want to sit down for this-in plain terms, Orcus is invading the planet."  
  
For a moment, the only thing heard is the bustling of medics. Then-  
  
" _ **WHAT!?**_ "  
  
The entire bustle stops for a second as everyone instinctively shushes the source of the shrill shriek. Donamir, for his part, hides behind an even more embarrassed Syltris. "...Downside of a goo' warcry, good scream too."  
  
Did you have to do it OOC too? My poor ears...  
  
"I noticed," Focus says, rubbing his ears through the hood. "We think that this particular Gate is the fifth made overall, which is why there's a pressure building-I'm getting ahead of myself." "  
  
He inhales. "Across the world, there has been a series of human sacrifices, part of a Orcusian ritual to open Gates to Thanatos. Sacrament of the Key to the Silent Paradise or something vaguely ominous like that. Lord Antal was one of the sacrifices."  
  
Lugus' eyes widen, before he loses his stance. "To be cut down on a wedding day, as nothing more than fuel...What cruelty." He doesn't even sound angry. Just sad.   
  
Berylla holds his hand in both of hers.  
  
"...Friend of his?" Focus asks, a bit of emotion creeping into his matter-of-fact tone.  
  
"Cousin," Matrona replies, sadly.  
  
"Ah. I'm sorry for your loss, my lord."  Focus pauses for a few seconds, before launching back into his explanation. "What's more, the breach seems to have caused some time-space distortions worldwide, as I'm sure you've guessed. We've been having reports of entire companies missing suddenly only to show up, completely unharmed and very confused as to why they're suddenly miles away from their destination, for this entire event."  
  
"...So, not only are the undead and demons invading, time itself is going so wonky nobody knows how to create good troop orders," Freedom finishes, sounding exhausted. "Excellent. Is there a comet heading towards the planet as well or any other extinction risks?"  
  
"The Gates are widening," Focus replies, completely deadpan.  
  
"Um, what?" Matrona says, obviously trying to convince herself she didn't hear what she just heard.  
  
"In layman's terms, the more the Gates are used and the more chaotic the mortal world becomes, the more stable they become, and the more powerful of Orcus' forces can use them without them malfunctioning." Focus looks grave. "The pressure I was referring too was the force of Chaotic energies building up inside the Gate-natural planar forces hold the seepage to a relatively slow crawl, but soon, there will be bigger demons than just dretches ready to invade through it as soon as it absorbs what's being fed to it."  
  
"And the mages are here to find a way to cut off the flow," Berylla finishes, guessing at where the conversation is going. "Or at least, to stop the temporal shenanigans from disrupting attempts to fight the invaders."  
  
Focus blinks, then sighs in relief. "Thank you! If I had to explain that one more time to any other muscleheads-but the Gate is still open."  
  
Donamir nods. "Right. So how do we close it? Big demon we gotta kill, points we defend-"  
  
"Unfortunately, I don't think that's possible." Focus looks down. "You'd have to go...to..."   
  
His eyes light up when he realizes something. "Wait, did you say you were already  _in_ Thanatos!?" His voice cracks a little with cautious hope.  
  
"Um, yes?" Matrona begins. "But I don't-"  
  
Focus blows his own whistle, this one gold-flecked and having a lower pitch than the medic's. "I think," he begins, smiling slightly. "We might be able to save this town anyway-and Lord Antal with it."

* * *

A few minutes later, a dwarf woman wearing similar clothes to that of Focus appears from the upper levels. "What is it  _now_ , Focus?" she says, in the aggravated tone of someone past the halfway point of nearing their wit's end.

"I think I've found acclimated survivors, Sri," Focus says, a note of excitement in his tone.

Instantly, the dwarf lights up. "Sri Gharsk, director of the relief effort for this city. Is it true you have been on an excursion through Thanatos?" Her tone is one of cautious but desperate optimism. 

"Um, yes?" Berylla raises an eyebrow. "Why, is there some kind of prophecy that predicted us? Because that never ends well, the sagas-"  
  
"Thank Moradin,  _no,_ " says Gharsk, echoing the thoughts of the DM. "It's largely luck, but it's luck we desperately needed. Essentially, we believe you're immune to the temporal anomalies."  
  
"All well and good, but what's this about saving my cousin!?" Lugus says, his own desperate hope creeping into his tone of voice.

"Getting to it!", the dwarf replies, somewhat snappishly. "...Sorry, it's just easier to explain if I explain what the Key ritual does."

Gharsk clears her throat. "The Key creates a specialized type of portal, called a Marbled Gateway. According to what we've learned from the books we managed to raid from the Cult of Orcus, the Sacrament is supposed to bring about the Age of Immortality, which is...as it sounds."  
  
"One wonders why death cultists are generally seeking how to not die," Syltris mutters.

Gharsk shrugs. "Death gods are terrifying, generally? But I digress." She inhales, re-centering herself. "In any case, the Age of Immortality is supposed to be a time beyond time, where the seconds, and I quote, 'move without the constraints of law, pool and flow as the freezing and thawing of a river.' We think this refers to the temporal anomalies, for...obvious reasons."  
  
Lugus nods, bidding her to continue.

"Thing is though, we've discovered this seems to make reference to a deliberate trait of the Marbled Gates, forcefully meshing our time with the time of Thanatos, and that results in the anomalies and people being teleported around."

"...how?" Freedom asks, feeling a headache come on.  
  
"We would like to know ourselves," Focus says, rubbing his forehead. "I hate listening to wizards explain things."  
  
"Point is, Thanatos is making the flow of time around the Gates flow strangely, because nobody from Aber-Toril is used to Abyssal time. It's sort of like an allergic reaction, only instead of breaking out in hives, you wind up a kilometer away three days later after stepping under a bent tree." A note of dark humor creeps into her voice. "It's been nearly impossible to coordinate anythingbecause of  _time-sneezes._ "

Freedom giggles.

Lugus catches on. "Wait, this is like how cowpox infections create resistance to smallpox, isn't it?"  
  
Donamir raises an eyebrow. "Cowpox?"  
  
"Virus, usually infects the udders of cows but can be transferred to humans who touch them," Syltris replies, automatically. "And since we were in Thanatos and exposed to Abyssal time directly, we have adapted to it, like how cowpox infection helps the immune system resist the far more lethal relative, smallpox."

"Er, how' that supposed to-"  
  
Biology lesson later, Tatsumi. Suffice to say you're immune to temporal anomalies because you've grown used to the source.

"All right. I'll go with that." Donamir, IC and OOC confusion delayed, leans in. "So, because we can get through the time crud, we can close the gate without being kicked to next month."  
  
"Precisely. And that's why we can save your cousin." Focus removes a scroll from his back pocket, reading directly. "The Gate is kept open by the temporal infection, but to do that, it needs a symbolic paradox to anchor itself and spew alien time into the world; the Sacrament deliberately creates one, in the form of a person who while murdered, is not dead."  
  
There's a brief moment while Lugus processes this. "...He's  _alive_ in there," Lugus says, a look of disbelieving wonder on his face.

"Correction, his soul is. But the ritual would only work if he was able to take physical form if he got back to the mortal plane." Gharsk looks intense. "Save Lord Antal, save the city. Hell, save a portion of the world, if you get it before it's too big."  
  
"There's just one question," Syltris asks, starting to pace. "How was he murdered in the first place?"

* * *

Dojima suddenly pales. "Oh hell."

Naoto facepalms. "There has been at least five separate, coordinated sacrifices at roughly the same time, with supplementary murders to help whatever dark magic is there to take effect. This is in spite of the magical and mundane security attached to an important wedding, in spite of fears of undead at the time. This leads me to think that the other keystone sacrifices are fairly important individuals to their localities, yes?"  
  
Dojima chews his cheek. "...For the most part."  
  
"So, that means there is at least a highly coordinated conspiracy, and also no small amount of information they have to complete a series of serial assassinations at the same relative timeframe, as well as the needed arcane knowledge to complete multiple iterations of the Sacrament ritual." She inhales. " _How is this not a mystery to be solved!?_ "  
  
Dojima thinks on this for a bit. "...Because I didn't recall that you were a bunch of amateur detectives."

The players became a chorus of groans. 

"Er, can I think of a good mystery later, can I finish up the scene now!?" Dojima said quickly, sweating profusely.   
  
"Okay," Ayane says as she gloomily resigns herself to seat-of-the-pants gaming.

* * *

"We wish we knew," Focus says, glumly. "As it is, we're too busy making sure survivors don't suddenly blink into the middle of undead swarms."  
  
"Understood."  
  
"Well," Lugus says, inhaling. "Time for our first major adventure."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Naoto, never change.


	7. The Crustacean of Doom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's to Kale, Boyd's inspiration! We're there for you.

The first thing you think upon seeing the Marbled Gate, hole in the world, beachhead of the worst aspect of Chaos, eye of the storm of demons, screaming source of undeath, is...

Wow. That is  _clashing._

"Uh, uncle, you seem to have Yukiko rubbing off."

Coincidence!

In any case, it looks...exactly like it should, considering it's a fragment of the Abyss in the mortal world. It looks a great deal like a mausoleum inflated to several times the typical size. A crypt-like watchtower, covered in frescoes depicting death-not unlike the tower you used to escape from Thanatos, if much shorter. Presumably, that was the other side of the Gate.

It happens to have been plopped down right in the middle of a grubby little shantytown, more a pile of huts than any true district. You recognize it as the area you were fighting the specter in, or somewhere close to it, which explains why you were knocked two weeks in the future. You were apparently at ground zero.

"...Does that kind of terminology exist in a world without nuclear weapons?"

This is a world where particularly powerful wizards can create breeding populations of hybrids between bears and owls as an experiment. There are  _persons_ of mass destruction.

"Ah, good point. Also now I am scared for Berylla's life. Yipe."

And this is why populations in Dungeons and Dragons cities are chronically low.

In any case, it looks a lot like the building was pushed out of the ground, and for all you know it was; a great series of rifts and gaps split the shantytown down the middle, and the closest shacks to the Gate itself are tumbled over and ruined. Oddly, they look... _aged_ somehow, as if the introduction of Abyssal time caused normal time to speed drastically to catch up. Every so often, poisonous green flashes of energy emanate from the air around the Gate.

Roll Perception, DC...oh, 15.

...Pretty much everyone got that, so everyone notices that with every flash, there's a new instance of movement in the slums.

"Wait, how are we seeing-"

Oh, yeah, right, you're on a flying carpet being directed by Focus, above the chaos. Ghrask is next to him, looking over the area with you.

Speaking of, Ghrask looks over the slums and nods. "We can't get that close without risking the carpet going through a time-sneeze and leave you freefalling, but we know the anomalies aren't that bad over by that group house over there. We can land you past most of the horde, but you'll have to overcome whatever guardians were placed at the Gate yourself."

 "Do we have to overcome any fortifications while we're there?" Syltris holds Fangs tightly, trying desperately to stop him from unbalancing the carpet through sheer force of vertigo panic.

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

"...And we are now facing a giant cliff dungeon in the future. Joy."

Consider it a preview.

In any case, the carpet travels slowly, careful to avoid any patrols. On occasion, Focus jerks to the side without any warning-after a couple times, he points to the googles he's currently wearing. "Abyss-Sensing Lenses," he says, sounding proud of himself. "Best purchase I ever made-they tell me where patches of Abyssal Time are."  
  
"Mind telling us who sold them?" Freedom asks, interested.  
  
"As soon as I'm sure you're alive to buy any!" he says, laughing darkly as Ghrask slaps him. And as soon as your DM has a good name.

Freedom laughs alongside him, to a glare from Matrona.

In any case, eventually you reach a point only a couple blocks away from the Gate. "Anywhere ahead is swimming in time patches. If we get closer, the next thing Ghrask and I know will be arriving to your gravity-induced funerals. So this is our stop. Closest gang of enemies is about an hour or so away, so, um, we'll be cheering you on!"  
  
"...He seems a bit more, uh, comedic than before."  
  
Yeah, I kind of realized two overly serious bureaucrats would get real boring, real fast. So, just assume he's naturally a wisecracker but gets serious when tired, Matsunaga.

* * *

 The two chose well. You see only hints of the damned legions out of the corner of your eye; the nearby part of the area is, while certainly ravaged by the demonic and undead, eerily empty-you remember something about the main forces dealing with the mission to reclaim the city from Orcus.

Of course, it won't mean much if you don't close this Gate now. You feel slightly nauseous, though you can't say if that's from the concentration of Abyssal Time around it or the distinct wafting scent of burned zombie flesh.

"Definitely the former, for Freedom. Heheheee."

...Unless you're latent pyromaniacs, obviously.

In any case, you spot some siege defenses around the Gate, but they seem rushed. The barricades are not high, there aren't any areas that could conceal traps, and apart from a wooden gate, no real blockades. It's quite obvious the forces of Orcus expected the effects of Abyssal Time to be largely impenetrable, at least for long enough for them to start pillaging in safety.

The Gate itself, though...that is more menacing. The entry looks like a opening into a normal crypt, but on a much larger scale-entire squads of undead could march out of the awning, side by side. In addition, the marble on both sides seems...greenish, somehow. As if the stone itself is infected. The arch extends far further than it should, too-from the side, it looks only a few feet deep, but looking in you see a corridor seemingly stretching into infinite darkness.

And, of course, the death designs. Those are not comforting, not at all.

Lugus inhales. "Once more, into the breach. Hopefully my cousin isn't being kept too far away from the entrance...behind a large vanguard..."

I take that as a sign you want to continue on?  
  
"Yep. There's no traps, right? Just a boss fight against whatever guards were placed there."

Got it in one. Slowly, you advance into the eerie portal, careful for any sign of movement.

While it's increasingly difficult to see as you dive deeper and deeper into the the Gate, you feel the ground under your feet grow gradually softer, dustier and...wetter? No, you aren't imagining things, the ground under your feet is making quiet  _squish_ sounds.

"...urp."

Shirogane? Are you okay?

"No, it's fine, I just have an... _Aversion_ to swamps. It's a long story, and probably would ruin the mood, but we can just say I watch where I step now. Urgh."  
  
...Is this uncomfortable enough to-  
  
"No, I'm fine, it's more embarrassing than traumatic. Continue."  
  
Okay then.

Eventually, the dark is broken by a message in phosphorescent paint on the wall, in Common:  
  
THE NEXT PERSON TO FEED ANY UNDEAD MORE COSTLY TO CREATE THAN A ZOMBIE TO ZYKAXX WITHOUT EXPLICIT PERMISSION FROM LORD OLZI WILL BE HIS NEXT MEAL. WE KNOW THAT HE SERVES BECAUSE HE LIKES UNDEAD FLESH, AND SOME OF THEM DESERVE IT, BUT THERE ARE OTHER MEANS OF PROMOTION THAT DO NOT COST MONEY TO THE CULT AS A WHOLE.

"'M guessing that's our guard," Donamir says, nodding.

History DC 15 to figure out what kind of name that is - and Berylla gets it, recognizing its flow as distinctly Undercommon, but rather simplistic. You suspect that this belongs to a monster of some sort, not a member of a fully sentient species.

"Looks like the Cult found an Underdark monster for their warden," she says, taking the opportunity to get the mud off her clothes. "That kind of name is the sort no self-respecting tyrant of the underground would give itself."  
  
"Employ what you know," Matrona replies, shrugging. "Especially...zombie-eaters. Yeesh, that is probably the definition of 'acquired taste.'"

"I dunno, it seems like it's good jerky for the cannibal set."  
  
"YU-FREEDOM! Wait, why are you-"

Rolling for his Listen check. He heard that shout.  
  
"Oops. Well, we were gonna fight him any-"

Roll Listen yourself. DC 10

...

And...did  _nobody_ get that.

"Against all laws of statistical probability, no."

...O...kay...

You hear a quick scratching sound from above, but you hear it too late to avoid a green, lobster-like claw reaching out from the darkness ahead of you, grabbing Lugus by the armor, and quickly throwing him into the closest wall.

Going by damage... You hear a nasty "crunch" sound as he impacts. Not from the wall.

"NO! MINTHPIECE!"

* * *

The reign of Utter Silence the Second over the Dojima household was somewhat longer than its direct predecessor, almost a full minute's worth. It appeared to be cut tragically short for a second when Yukiko whipped her head around so fast at the word that it was surprising she did not suffer neck injuries, but surprisingly, there was neither snap nor gasp as her jaw all but unhinged, before slowly curving upwards into an extremely broad smile as she started to tear up. Nor was it ended by whatever eldritch sound would be emitted by Ayane willing herself to fall through the floor, as she fully realized what, exactly, passed her lips. 

In fact, it died peacefully and mercifully when Naoto quietly cleared her throat, in a quick severing of the tension nerve. "I assume," she begins, having turned a glowing shade of scarlet, "That that was the original nickname before the advent of the term 'Bumper'?"

Trying very hard to compress herself into as small a space as possible, Ayane grunts an affirmation.

"Might, I ask," Naoto begins, haltingly. " _Why?_ "  
  
"... Because I help blow her horn," Minoru said, as quickly as possible to minimize the pain.

The reign of Utter Silence the Third, sadly, was the first to fall victim to the Amagi curse ten seconds later, when the remorseless serial regicide proceeded to fall out of her chair, howling with mirth.

 "... And now Bumper makes sense, thank you," Chie replies as soon as her mouth starts working again.

" _MINTHPIECE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAA!"_

Naoto, for her part, slides the hat down over her face as far as possible. "Please. Forget I said anything."

"Snrk! Help... I can't, breathe, too.... Hilarious... Mental... Image!  _AHAHAHAAAA!_ "

"It was a different time," Ayane manages to squeak. "Way more innocent."  
  
"Pfft"  
  
Naoto's hat all but flies off. "KANJI!"  
  
"Oh, um, I was not laughing!" He says, trying very hard to keep a straight face. And failing miserably.

" _You said it!_ HAHAHAHAAA!"  
  
Dojima, for his part, is suddenly very interested in his notes.

Eventually, Yukiko runs out of breath, getting back in her chair. "Anyway, that blackmail material aside, let's get back to the game, shall we?"

* * *

That... Adorable nickname never actually mentioned -

"Pfffft - okay, I'll stop now, if only to avoid suffocation."

... Lugus slumps to the ground, obviously still alive and conscious, but obviously badly injured. 

There is a brief cackle of oddly echoing laughter as the owner of the claw apparently skitters back to the other end of the portal. Roll, oh, DC 12, Nature, to get that, though Lugus takes a -3 penalty due to seeing double.

"Syltris rolls over by six, despite the apparent spite of probability."  
  
Well, now you suspect Zykaxx is a chuul, a crayfish-like monster that despises surface-dwellers. You know that it is a semi-sentient aberration with a cephalopod face, and those tentacles have venom glands known for the ability to induce paralysis. Curiously, they are  _not_ wall-climbers, implying that Zykaxx may be using a magic item of some sort.  
  
"Dibs!"  
  
Tatsumi, you're a-  
  
"On Nao's behalf. She's the climber."  
  
Oh. Well, that's nice.   
  
"It also leads to the  _cutest_ expression! Hee!"  
  
"S-stop it, I'm still recovering from... That episode!"  
  
_An_ yway, you now know Zykaxx is probably one of that lich's guards. From the way it's described, he may be the only one guarding Antal, presumably because he's fast and mobile, as Lugus just discovered.  
  
"That isn't funny, uncle. I just lost half my health!"

I do not control the dice, only narrate their effects. 

Looking around though, you get the sense he's not down here a lot. You would expect scratches on the wall and more disturbed ground if that were the case.

He's waiting for you. And he just attacked your tank. This thing is not stupid.

* * *

 After Lugus seems to have stopped seeing double, you continue the rest of the way.  
  
"...Um, isn't this kind of sudden? Weren't we going to have a running battle with Zykaxx?"  
  
We were? 

"I mean, that's why you gave him the magic item, right? He's an ambush king."

... Well, he is, Matsunaga, and that's a perfect idea! Wish I'd thought of it.

"... Of course. Continue on."

Yeah, me too. I need to remember how to design boss fights.

Anyway, you finally encounter a break in the tunnel, and your eyes adjust to a dimly lit room, illuminated with eerie green light from disturbingly eye-like gems placed intermittently around the chamber. It looks almost completely natural, now that you're beyond the hallway of the Gate itself - like a natural cavern worn into stone, which causes everything nearby to have a disturbingly organic curvature to it.

"In other words, non-Euclidean?"

That... That's what it means?

"Yes. I stopped reading cosmic horror when they kept on thinking the human body is somehow inherently maddening."

Ah. Thank you Shirogane.

In the direct center, raising from the ground like the spine of the cave, is a great marble column, on top of which is a cage containing an indistinct figure who seems almost... Not completely there. As if he is caught mid-teleport between the plane and... Somewhere else. Lugus instantly recognizes him, however blurred, as Lord Antal.

"Lugus remains as quiet as possible, resisting the impulse to call out to his cousin. He has several aching bones that don't want a chuul-sponsored surprise attack again."

Good plan. Does anyone want to roll a Stealth check at DC 15 - I see Syltris has already done so.

"I presume that was to sneak up on the warden?"

Yeah. As Syltris sneaks around, careful not to provoke the ground squishing, she spies a distinctly lobster-like shape hanging off the back of the column, tentacles on its face eagerly tearing apart a wrinkled corpse... That still appears to be moving.

"... Trying not to retch, Syltris directs Fangs to flank the beast before letting an arrow fly directly into a weak spot."

Roll for damage - wow, I think the dice are sorry they bullied Lugus like that.

The arrow burrows its way into Zykaxx's leg, directly between the shell of its thorax and abdomen. Roaring in pain and surprise, it doesn't notice Fangs rushing at it with jaws wide.

Time to roll initiative, friends! Because Zykaxx is surprised, I won't roll until next round.

"Donamir charges through with 12!"

"Syltris scores 19, fittingly."

"Lugus, eager to avenge that cheap shot, rolls... 8. These dice have issues."

"Hee! Freedom, imagining roasted juicy demon lobster-"

Aberration.

"... Juicy eldritch lobster, rolls 15!"

"Matrona, being as much as a slowpoke as can be expected, gets a 6."

"Berylla, 11."

And Fangs... 6. He apparently picked the really sticky ground.

"Can't ask for more given how he has a free turn to attack, combined with my own."

And that you do. I assume you're using Rapid Shot?

"Yes. Two rolls and - I think they hate crayfish."

Quite. That's a good tenth of his HP right there, and is it okay if I roll Fangs' attack? Better for bookeeping, and he's not exactly going to be blocked.  
  
"For efficiency, sure."

Alright then, just a-I think these dice were pleased by the nickname.

"The RNG has good taste!"

Yes, Amagi, we know. Please stop trying to make my nephew wilt.

Anyway, Zykaxx has lost over 20 health, how do you press the advantage?

"Are there any stalactites that look unstable?"

... Because Matsunaga has actual ideas about the environment and how it's involved, there's a convenient one about three feet to the right of Zykaxx's current position.

"...And Fangs is in which direction?"

The left. Yes, I am getting tired, why do you ask?

"I see... For reasons that are totally coincidental, Freedom moves in range of the trap-er, stalactite."

"Donamir rushes to a position that will allow him to drive the big lobster under the falling spike. Er, by accident."

"... Beryllla keeps out distance and stops her own metagaming. 'Everyone, get that thing under the stalactite!" And casts _faerie fire_ on the spike to help people hit it."

"'You heard her, everyone! Push the chuul into the shadow-' Er, can Zykaxx understand us?"

Nope. Chuuls can grok Undercommon, but he thinks you're just making warcries.

"Ah good. 'The shadow of the spike!' Lugus rushes to back up Donamir."

"Matrona...rushes ahead of them, as tank. No dramatic moments here, sorry. She gives an actual warcry, trying to get the eldritch seafood to pay attention to her and not his possible death."

Okay, so, after all that, Zykaxx's primitive mind catches up to what's going on and he roars in rage, a deep, aquatic-seeming sound of fury that seemingly vibrates your bones. His Initiative roll is...18, meaning he's going right after Syltris. 

"Good, that means he's chasing me. I unleash another arrow at him while I back up, hoping to draw him after the source of pain, careful to angle myself so that he will be standing directly under the loose stalactite."  
  
The chuul gives pursuit and catches up, attempting to grab Syltris with it's tentacles - and it missed.

"Great! Direct  _burning hands_ on the stalactite and - I'm sorry."

Sorry? For what?

"For uh, ending the fight you worked on so soon. Natural 20."

....

The stalactite is knocked clean off, and falls on the chuul. 9d10 damage, and...

You hear a squishing noise as he is instantly impaled. He probably didn't even feel pain. Victory!

...

Well, that was anticlimactic. But still, just the first boss, and you've saved the town!

After you get Lord Antal out of course. 

"Um, the ring?"

Oh yeah, it's on his tail, clipped on like an earring.

* * *

Lord Antal's soul only seems to notice you as you move the cage. At least, you think he does; it's hard to tell when someone is out of phase with reality. But he definitely uncurls, looking alert now, and from what you can see of his face, hopeful. The cage is actually quite heavy, seeing as how it is large enough to hold a human-sized creature; you doubt you'll be able to sneak out similar cages in the future.

"Oh. Predictable bosses. How nice."

... I take it she's unhappy about the quick fight?

"Ayane hates predictable plots, because it gives her time to plan for them. Genre savvy can be a curse, as she says."

Ah. Hoo boy, I need to do some rewrites.

Back to the plot, as you slowly drag Antal's cage through the Gate, you notice he seems to be... Taking distinction from the tunnel. The closer you get to the exit, the more of Antal's features you can make out, but the harder it is to focus on the details of the tunnel. Your eyes slide off it, like there's nothing you can focus on.

By the time you reach the entrance, the Gate has become a great green blur of nothing, while Antal looks, well, like a normal person who was thrown in a cage haphazardly. A bit bedraggled and starved, but living and vital.

The moment you exit, you hear the stone behind you  _crack,_ and looking back, you watch the Gate fall apart into dust over the course of a minute, as though time itself, now freed from the infection of Abyssal Time, is inflicting entropy on it with a vengeance; soon, all that's left is a pile of dust.

You hear a hacking cough. With a start, you realize Antal hasn't actually made a sound until now, but now that he's back among the living, he's fumbling with the lock and breathing heavily, obviously happy to feel air in his revived lungs. "Thank you," he says, hoarse but not unwell. "And here I was, thinking I wasn't afraid of being stabbed any more after I retired... Damned cultists."

"Cousin!" Lugus breaks open the door and embraces his family member. "Welcome back!"

"Thanks, Lug," he replies, returning the hug. "But sadly, I think I'm going to disappoint you."

"Sorry?" Berylla leans in, looking concerned.

"The wedding needs to be postponed," he says, a note of dark humor in his voice. "Besides the fact that I was, er,  _murdered,_ I don't think a celebration is in order. I heard that lich of theirs, Olzi, when he was inspecting me while making the Gate."

"...Wait, how does he know what the Gate is-"

Plot and exposition convenience!

"..."

Please don't give me that, face, Matsunaga. It hurts.

"And he was...?" Lugus asks.

"Complaining that my cage was some of the most poorly defended," he says, coughing. "He made a comment about being in the top ten isn't so remarkable when there's ten currently."

Matrona's eyes widen. "Oh. Oh Tyr."

And I think that's a good stopping point.

"Dun dun dun!"

AMAGI!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This. Was. AGONIZING.
> 
> Behold, the power of difficult college classes, they slow stuff down. I am so sorry.


	8. Interlude 1: Lunar Correction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leliel: As fitting for a fic focusing on the undead scourge, it rises from the grave!
> 
> Boyd: Yeppers, it's good to be back. Also, new title! "Backside of the DM Screen" really wasn't rolling off the tongue as it should be.

"So," Dojima began, smiling nervously. "How did my fist DM session in a decade or so go?"

Minoru shrugs. "Bit rusty, but a lot of it comes from the dice thinking they're funny today. Beyond that, nice job!"

"Though, to be honest," Yukiko says, looking a bit more serious. "You do need some better encounter design. I shouldn't be able to cheese things because I created a puzzle where there wasn't one."

"Indeed," Naoto says, nodding. "It is evident that you are trying to create more environment-based encounters, but you are correct. You need to study up on the concepts, though I do enjoy you supported the solution of a stalactite being used as a weapon."

"Hey, you guys keep to your puzzles, I'm fine smashin' stuff," Kanji says, looking slightly frustrated. "It's why I'm a barbarian." 

"Same here," Chie agrees. "But seriously, I'm looking forward to the rest! ... Minus the parts involving the dead rising from their graves," she finishes with a shiver. "Still, I can deal with the zombies-nice start!"

Dojima let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Thanks, you have  _no idea_ how much that means. I was losing sleep over the stress," he admits. "What about you, Matsunaga?"

Ayane opens her mouth, then closes it. Looking pensive, she tries again, but it obviously takes effort for sound to come out. "Well, er... It's quite spirited, and I enjoy the roleplaying potential-"

"Matsunaga, if you're going to criticize, don't try to sandwich it between praise," Dojima says, already feeling his cheer dissipate. "I get that enough from PR people."

"I, um..." She inhales. "I'm, well, thinking the mystery isn't so good," she admits.

"There was a mystery?" Dojima asks.

"Um, yes, that did seem where we were going," Ayane says, sounding even more glum. "I thought, well, since we don't know who killed Lord Antal-"

"Then the story would be about finding his killer, and the link they have to the overall cult of Orcus." Dojima chewed his cheek. "Truth is, I'm planning on Olzi being the murderer-"

"And that's the problem! He's obviously a field commander for the garrison of the Gates. He's not an assassin, he  _hires_ them," Ayane continued, obviously energized. "And from what we saw of him, he doesn't seem like the mastermind type, more like an occult thug-definitely mid-rank in the Cult, the kind of person who's better at following orders than giving them-"

"Right, right, I get it," Dojima says, rubbing his forehead. "I'll... I'll see what I can do. If you have any advice, tell me."

Ayane, as it turned out, did not. But in the near future, Dojima would find himself wondering why he didn't specify "your advice  _only_ _"_ after a quite embarrassing day...

* * *

Dojima's private phone, generally, does not ring.

This is because there is only three people who called him on that phone. Well, two and up, technically. Nanako, Minoru, and Random Person With Wrong Number. 

Of these, two were massively infrequent; Nanako was a fairly independent sort, only calling when she felt she genuinely needed advice (for reasons Dojima did not think spoke well of him as a father for several years), Minoru almost never did except as part of an emergency or two make plans for a visit, and neither called him in the middle of his work day. RPWWN wasn't so reliably polite and had far more diverse reasons, but they tended to be slightly more frequent a callee than Minoru was.

Thus, when it starts to pip the generic ring (as opposed to the Junes jingle, for Nanako) while Dojima was in the middle of filing a traffic violation due to needing  _something_ to do, it was not surprising that the number on said phone was not one he recognized. 

What was surprising, however, when he picks up the phone to point RPWWN in the right direction, was the scream.

**"YOU DON'T HAVE A MYSTERY IN A MURDER STORY!?"**

Anyone watching got a good demonstration of how high an aging cop can jump. "... I'm sorry," he says, after his ears stop ringing. "You are-"

 **"APPARENTLY THE ONLY DM WITH COMMON SENSE IN THIS TOWN!"** The voice was probably that of a teenage girl, though Dojima wasn't sure due to the loud.  **"YOU HAVE A FREAKING CABAL OF ASSASSINS WHO SNEAK IN AND PERFORM STEALTH SACRIFICES, YOU LEARN HOW THEY DO IT! THIS IS BASIC PLOT 101!"**

"I'm sorry, who are you, and why are you yelling about murder in a police station!?"

 **"I...** I... Oh yeah." The voice was definitely a high school girl, probably a senior, now that she had shed the nuclear war occuring in her larynx. "I... Ahem. Let me start that again." She inhaled. "Hi. I'm Ai Ebihara, a friend of both your nephew and Ayane. She told me about the campaign, and uh, asked me for advice."

Ebihara? That sounds fami-

"Weren't you fined for truancy? Three times?" Internally, Dojima winces at the sheer bluntness, but it was best to tell what kind of delinquent this girl was.

One could  _feel_ Ebihara's face turn red from over the line. "I was... In a dark place. For about two years," she said, sheepishly. "I cleaned up my act, and well, your nephew is a more patient person than I ever was. Don't worry, I'm not-not the point!" she finishes hurriedly. "Point is, I've actually been Storyteller-sorry,  _Gamemaster,_ for Ayane a couple times. Even did D&D a couple times, though dungeon crawling's not my speed. So, I'm saying this politely now, because she's too nice to say it to you directly-she's bored. She's really, really bored."

The relief that Dojima felt at learning the influences were the other way around from how he was worried was quickly eclipsed by shame. "Agh, really?" He rubbed his head. "Yeah, I know. I've been trying to think of ways to indulge that RP side of her, but-"

"Actually, that's why I'm calling!", Ebihara says, brightly. "I... Was a bit rude about it, sorry, but actually, I know what she likes-and I think I have a few ideas for a plot to keep everyone on the rails  _without_ railroading them! Real intrigue stuff, keep both her and Shirogane interested."

Okay, that was new. "Really?" he said as he fumbles for pen and paper. "How do you-wait, sorry. I'm at work. Can we continue this later?"

"Yeah, what time are you off? I'll be right over," Ebihara said, sounding like she was getting out her own notepad.

"Uh, about six but-what were you planning on?"

There was a brief pause, before Ebihara lets out the most sinister chuckle Dojima wanted the pleasure of never wanting to hear again. "Let's just say... You learn some things after building a political game between vampire elders. Things involving... Escalation."

Not for the last time, Dojima wonders exactly what he unleashed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boyd: Apologies for the short chapter, everybody. This is _kind_ of a proof of concept/evidence this idea isn't dead, and there really isn't much we can do without going back to the game. But yes, Ai makes her debut and is ready to roll!
> 
> Leliel: Yep. See you next time!


	9. Meanwhile, Back At the Ashen Ruin...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this took a while. I blame the summer, and Calculus.

"And so, we come, once again, to our tale." Dojima pokes at his hat. "Also, I sewed the star back on all the way-that was really starting to annoy me."

Minoru had to admit, the table looks a lot more... professional, now. It had a full DM screen, a series of dice cups placed at various parts of the table, and a full battle mat, with attendant miniatures.

Or more accurately, colorful stick figures, cut out of paper, that looks... rather familiar.

"Wow!" Ayane rushed over to the shortest. "She looks exactly like I imagined her! ... With less detail, but that's expected and forgiven."

"Yeah, I really hated having to keep an image of my head of how distant everyone was from each other." Dojima shrugged. "I figured I might as well give you custom figures while I was at it."

"Hm," Naoto said, inspecting Syltris' own figure. "I see you avoided the common mistake of lacking chest protection, or worst, using a breastplate. That would not have been martially sound."

"Really? I just thought it was less embarrassing."  
"No, no, that's fine!" Chie interjects, quickly. "It's just, well... there's more than one reason boob plate gets people rolling their eyes."

"Yes, it's more forgivable with mages, but you would still want it for cold weather," Yukiko adds.

"Thanks," Dojima says, grinning. "Okay-but first of all, I'm going to be straight with you. I'm going to do some things that... Aren't really in line with what I did before. Tell me if you see a plothole, so I can fill it."

Ayane's head shoots up, curiously. "Why would that-"

"Because my original plot could fit on a napkin, and I think Ebihara will murder me if I don't. Your friends are  _scary,_ Matsunaga."

* * *

You would say Saradush has seen better days, but that would be selling the devastation hideously short. The fires are still raging, albeit at a lesser degree. You did manage to leave an obvious effect, though; the ranks of lesser, mindless undead having keeled over where they stand.

This does leave the problem of "just burned undead" smell though.

"Euuugh..." Matrona all but crushes her noise shut. "I almost miss Thanatos. Everything was  _preserved_ there."

"On the plus side, there isn't any more of them," Syltris adds, muffled from using her shirt as an impromptu mask. "Still, the cleanup is going to take a while; this place is going to be ridden by scavengers and disease for at least a month."

Antal says nothing, just sitting back in rapt horror at the wreck of his city before resting his head in his hands.

Lugus opens his mouth, then realizes there's little he can say, closing it and sighing.

Yeah, just because you won doesn't mean there hasn't been a fortnight of undead and demons rampaging everywhere in the city. It's still pretty bad.

... Though apparently not to Matsunaga.

"What-oh, I'm smiling, aren't I? Uh, sorry, that isn't in character, I'm just happy with the worldbuilding."

Yeaaah... You have Ebihara to thank for reminding me of that.

In any case, however, as you move away from the dissolved gateway, something incongruous with the blasted terrain hits your ears-

Sounds of celebration. About a second after you hear them, you see a pair of guards helping up a wounded but smiling comrade from the corpse of his twice-dead foe.

As more guardsmen and some of the detachment of knights come into view, it becomes clearer and clearer that, despite the devastation, the mood is jubilant. It's been two weeks of constant siege, and it suddenly ending is clearly lifting the feeling of the area significantly. The forces are wounded, but relaxed, and even with occasional minor celebrations of victory. The dominant feeling you get is one of  _relief_ _;_ the constant siege over the last couple weeks has  _stopped._

It's not all smiles, though. You see a guardswoman sighing before closing the eyes of what looks like a de-animated zombie. Fighting the undead is never a cheerful task; after all, many of their troops are the vacated shells of the innocent. Somewhere else, a pair of what looks like normal peasants try to unblock the door of a collapsed house, likely their own, trying to find some element of their burned-out lives. But nobody seems tense-you get the sense these people know the worst has passed, and are allowing themselves to feel exhausted.

Speaking of the exhausted and formerly besieged, you also find none other than Focus, who seems to be almost dancing with relief in the midst of an escort of guards. When the tiefling healer notices you, he laughs, striding forward. "And the heroes arrive! Three cheers for the Couples' Guard!" The guardsmen surrounding him follow his lead, shouting praise as they thrust their spears in the sky.

"Um..." Beryllia begins. "We need a better name. It's not inaccurate, but it's the kind of thing, that um... gets mocked. At least it's not the Battle of the Chaos Bog..."

 ... Is that a-

"It isn't. Just seems like something that happens repeatedly. Because bogs and demons go together a lot."

Probably not an unwise statement. 

Behind you, you hear a quiet, polite cough. Looking back you see Lord Antal pointing at the lock of the cage,

"Right. Sorry, my lord," Focus says as he nods to one of his escort, who pulls out a lockpicking kit and starts working on the cage of the lock.

"Well," Syltris says, raising an eyebrow. "You're taking being rescued from the afterlife well."

"I'm a retired adventurer," he says, shrugging. "Death starts losing its terror the second time."

"... Not askin'," Donamir says, holdin' his head. "But yeah, we went t' hell and back on our first adventure! We're badasses!"

"Abyss, technically. Hell will kill you for confusing the two." Freedom chuckles darkly. "But yeah, go us! Woo!"

"Yeah, um, can we stay out of Thanatos next time?" Matrona says, awkwardly coughing. "That was... frightening."

"And there was that lich, Olzi," Lugus agrees, frowning. "He-"

"Pardon me for interrupting my lord, but- _Olzi?"_ Focus suddenly interjects.  _"Olzi_ was masterminding things?"

"... Yes?" Lugus says, cocking his head. "I mean, there was a Lord Olzi mentioned, and only one lich but-"

"I get that but-" Focus clasps his hands, looking worried. "Did this lich happen to be loud, impulsive, and hypercritical of his underlings?"

"Seemed like it," Berylla says, brow furrowing.

"... Then we have bigger problems," Focus says, holding his horns. "This isn't just one would-be conquerer of worlds, this is someone capable of paying a would-be conquerer of worlds'  _fee_ _."_

...

There is apparently a bit of a pause at that.

"Oh? Ahem-"

Syltris clears her throat. "Do you mean to imply," she begins, slowly. "That a powerful, undying mage capable of raising armies...  _is a mercenary?"_

"More or less," Focus replies. "Not all liches became undying to pursue their studies and hunger for power forever. Olzi, sometimes known as Olzi the Indulgent, just realized he couldn't take his estate and luxuries with him. He's well-known among the church for raiding lands purely to make his tower more opulent-and for his willingness to cooperate with people willing to finance his life. He's not the kind of person who wants to destroy the world as an act of devotion to Orcus; he's the kind of person who is in it for the spoils."

"Wait, he's not the mastermind? ...  _Thank you._ _"_

Yeah. Even I realized he was a bit of a Saturday morning cartoon villain. Sorry Matsunaga.

"Hey, some of those freaks are scary! You watch American cartoons aimed at girls someday, you'll be jumpin' at your own shadow!"

...

...

Amagi? I thought you'd be-

"What, I'm not laughing at the truth. Kanji isn't kidding, Tirek will haunt your nightmares."

* * *

 After Antal's cage is opened... Well, first of all you have to wait about five minutes to help him avoid injuring himself before he remembers how to use his legs. Being stuck in a cramped cage with barely enough room to squat for a couple weeks will do that, dead or not.

He recovers remarkably well though. After that, he doesn't need much to prop himself up, just a walking stick. Focus leads you over to Sri Ghrask, still hard at work at her impromptu field hospital - which is still extremely hectic. The injuries didn't vanish because the demons did.

Still, Ghrask herself seems a bit less tense than before. You realize now she looks exhausted, with large bags under her eyes, and a slow, measured movement that reeks of days without a chance to rest for a long period of time. But her expression is a lot more relaxed, less furrowed and furtive. She actually smiles a bit when she sees you, and rubs Fangs' chin affectionately when he comes over to sniff her. "I could feel the influence of Orcus collapse inside itself and the demons vanish. Well done. Forgive me for my lack of enthusiasm - it's been a long two weeks."

"... Uh, a fortnight is-"

Yep. Two weeks, Tatsumi.

"Oof. I'd be siding with the people tryin' to destroy all life if I was up for that long."

If that was IC, she'd agree.

"Enough of that," Antal weakly says, trying to walk in as quickly as he can on his stick. "Where is Tanwen? Where is my-"

"Safe. First one of the sixth wave of reappearances from temporal displacement evacuated. Took three men to pull her away from trying to pull people from the fire."

Antal nearly slumps with relief. "Thank you. I... I needed to know."

Lugus smiles. "It's okay cousin. You're both safe now."

"I know." He grins darkly. "Olzi is a grand liar, though. Grand, and sadistic."

"... Bastard," Syltris says, catching on to the implication.

Ghrask nods, looking grim again. "Focus sent word ahead. The Yawning Maw himself - he's a rather notorious figure among more Goodly clergy. But as I'm sure you know, he's no mastermind. He's too busy indulging himself in the world to come up with a plan to kill and reanimate it."

"Yes. He didn't seem to be the type who suffered any degree of frustration from his minions well enough to deal with longer-term setbacks," Freedom says, looking thoughtful. "I suppose there  _could_ be another lich... But something tells me, on the off chance there is multiple mercenary liches, they're likely set up far, far apart. Unless you're trying to kill a god or something, you don't put all your arch-mages who can walk off being, uh, dead in one place."

"If I might add," Antal interjects, looking a little perturbed himself. "He also seemed to be an evoker before a necromancer... And neither of those things, well, killed me."

Syltris says nothing, simply getting out a chair and beginning to mouth his words, memorizing them. "Really? Then who and what did?"

"That's the problem. I saw no one and nothing-but I know it was a knife that killed me. I've been stabbed before." To emphasize his point, he pulls down his prison tunic slightly, to reveal a nasty scar. "Hobgoblin. Quite the spearman."

Ghrask's brow furrows. "That... Doesn't make any sense. The entire building you were killed in-"

"Was enchanted to dull any cut. I know."

"Whoa!" Matrona says, eyelids popping up. "That's possible!?"

Roll Arcana, DC 15.

"Freedom gets, oh, 17."

Okay. DM control for exposition-do you mind?

"Nope. I'd just be repeating it."

Good. Ahem;

"It is, but it requires a lot of knowledge of theoretical magic, especially abjuration. It also leaves open blunt objects as a loophole to help stabilize the ward, but it's easier to search for a mace or hammer than an assassin's blade-especially in a dressing room-"

"Ah, Freedom doesn't know that."

Oops. 50 XP for roleplaying better than the DM.

"It's much easier to search for a hammer or mace than it is for an assassin's blade, or an arrow, which technically cuts when it pierces something. It's also rather pricey, which means some merchant and professional warder is going to have a very bad day very soon." Ceding back.

"Okay that was actually me, so-"

Freedom pauses. "Actually, where was he killed?"

"Dressing room," Antal says, thinking. "He must have been hiding in a curtain-I barely saw a gloved hand when the killer grabbed my face, and well..." He mimes a stabbing motion into his heart. 

"That's not easy," Ghrask interjects. "Whoever killed someone by a direct knife to the heat has to avoid a rib cage. This guy's a professional, or an experienced fanatic - probably the latter, most assassins happen to like life and won't accept pay from Orcus cults."

Lugus looks thoughtful. "Could it have been antimagic?"

"Good idea, but no, antimagic fields don't work that way," Ghrask says, eyes narrowing in thought. "It's a ten-foot field across or nothing at all, and I know there were magical lights up; they'd have guttered out, and everyone would have known something was up."

Syltris eyes brighten. "Then someone had to have figured out some way of cheating the ward. Or, was there a backdoor-did the warder seem trustworthy?"

"... It's not a bad place to start," Antal says. "So let's-"

"Grammacus dead too," Ghrask interrupts. "Demons speared him about a day after the interruption." She pauses. "Or at least, what we  _thought_ was demons. We still have his corpse."

"Alright, we got ourselves an autopsy!"

....

Amagi, please try not to be thrilled about the prospect of cutting into a dead man again? It's creepy.

"I dunno, we got ourselves some intrigue - bring on the murders!"

You too, Mastunaga. 

* * *

 Grammacus, as it turns out, was an old-looking moon elf in monastic robes. Or at least, dressed in them by a mortician. Really, he looks rather peaceful, minus the black-from-drying cut running across his neck. He smells nicer than you'd expect, likely due to the funeral parlor's art.

Syltris groans. "They already moved the corpse and altered it. Of course, nothing can be easy."

Focus, who is currently guarding the door in case of sudden undead surprise, shrugs. "I don't think keeping the crime scene of what seemed a random victim of rampaging demons clear and unaltered was a big priority. Or really that useful, given how that was two weeks ago."

"Did you at least save his personal effects?" she asks, not rising to the sarcasm.

"That we did. For burial, you understand, but I don't think it's blasphemous to give them a once-over to solve a murder. Check the gilded chest on the shelf, has big blue gems on it." 

The chest in question is not especially large, just enough to fit on a standard shelf, but when you check it, it's clear it's not lacking for what items the discover's of his body could find-you find, resting on a somewhat charred fragment of a white robe, a pendant with an intricately designed design of a protective pentagram.

Roll History, DC 20, or Arcana, DC 15.

"Berylla calls it! ...Um, can I RP this?"

Sure. Just note that this amulet is the mark of someone who just stopped being an apprentice.

"Oh! Well, ahem-"

Berylla frowns suddenly. "Er, can I see that amulet closely?"

Focus shrugs and nods.

"Thank you..." She pulls it out, hanging it in front of herself and turning it back and forth. "This... It's iron. Are we  _sure_ this is the warder Antal hired?"

Focus suddenly looks very interested. "Yes. The mortician did a  _speak with dead_ ritual and everything. The spell doesn't forbid the corpse from lying, but he outright said he was just asking the corpse to tell him its name so it could be sent off to its home for burial later. It would have no reason to lie about its profession and name."

"Oh good, because, um... I think _Grammacus_ was lying." She holds up the pendant. "This? It's a sign of a recent graduate from the Cowled Wizards of Athkatla. It's a sign you're  _competent,_ but any wizard with any degree of pride in his abilities will go back to rank up to one of the more precious metals. Or anyone who wants to impress anyone in Amn when you have so many competitors."

Lugus shoots up. "He's a con man," a look of understanding (and anger) on his face. "He has no ability to set up this kind of magic."

Focus strides in, his job forgotten by the scene playing out. "But that makes no sense! Lord Antal told me he hired his court mage to check the wards himself, even with a mace and one guy who was willing to do anything for some gold. The wards  _worked."_

"And yet, somehow, I doubt that a guy who just came out of college could set up that kind of uber-complex ward," Matrona herself says, even her lacking knowledge of magic showing her the mystery. "So, if he didn't... Who did he pay to do so?"

"And more importantly," Syltris says, looking intense. "Who turned them into a trap?"

"... Um, Dojima, can I?"

You know what, Amagi, I'm in a good mood. You can do it.

"Thank you! Ahem:

Dun.

_Dun._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_**DUHNNNNNNNNN."**  
_

...Did the table just vibrate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. Finally done with this, before upcoming finals interrupted plans again. But, we're back. And yep, Dojima has a plan, finally; there is no shame in asking for help as a Dungeon Master (he had it asked for him, in this case, but still).


End file.
